Battle of life

Twas’ one late evening when I suddenly woke up and I almost lost my breath. I keep searching for the reason. Is it because of my dream or maybe because I forgot to do something and I am running out of time? Neither is right. FYI, this is not a foreign for me. I’ve been like this for a while. It happen without any alarm and when it stopped by, it surely does leave a huge hole in me. The worst case I ever have is when all of the sudden I lost control of my own leg. I can barely feel my legs. It happened during my first semester where the freshmen are required to join drill. Every Monday, it will attack me. I went to the clinic and she sent me to someone who consoles me. She asked me to fight it or let the medicine do. And I choose to fight it. Believe me, if it is an easy task I wouldn’t bother to share it with you. And apparently, lately so to say, I get it a lot. I haven’t told my family yet about this. It bothers me a lot thinking that they are worried about me. And you won’t. .
Do you know how it feels when you are not around with any person you knew to calm you down? I keep yelling ‘help’ again and again but never to put it in a word that any human can hear. Yes, I am a loner. I keep distance with people I barely meet. I don’t have bestie in my campus. (I rarely get this when I am home) If you ever see me, you’ll notice the only person I always linger with is Nurshafirah. Why? Because she is the one who have been by my side during I lost control of my own legs and she is the one who catch me before I hit the ground. It will be nicer if I could get some help. Where to seek? I don’t know. What is wrong with me, I am not sure. I just assume I have Panic disorder. Panic disorder is a state when someone has sudden and repeated attacks of fear that last for several minutes and may last longer, which is called as panic attack. Panic attacks are characterized by a fear of disaster or of losing control when there is no real danger. A person may also have a strong physical reaction during a panic attack. It may feel like having a heart attack.
Symptoms including:
1.Sudden and repeated attacks of fear
2.A feeling of being out of control during a panic attack
3.A fear or avoidance of places where panic attacks have occurred in the past
4.Physical symptoms during an attack, such as pounding or racing heart, sweating, breathing problems, weakness or dizziness, feeling hot or a cold chill, tingly or numb hands, chest pain, or stomach pain. *

         The worst of all is handling it alone. So, if someone whoever ever read this, please note that you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, I will be the person. Believe me; it is not pleasant to have this state in front of strangers. I cried every time it came to me. At least crying makes it go away. It really nice to have someone who could just stay by your side during that period of despair. No words required.
To think of it, maybe it is because I am used to keep distance from others. I can’t help it. I love to be alone and the fact that I am not good at making friends. I try but I notice some people need to have something in order for you to step into their circle of life. I wish I have one. Screw my head for thinking too much toward anybody else. If only she could shut up while I am in a conversation with a person instead of her. Most of my time, she is my bestfriend, my worst enemy, my consultant, the one who makes me falls. Sometimes she will tells me that I am pretty but when I confront with a human being she keeps telling me I'm fat. Sometimes she told me I have God by my side but there will be times she told me danger is everywhere waiting for you. 
            If I could get help, would I take it? I don’t know. There are times when I couldn’t afford to control myself and I wish I can take medication but someone told me pills will make it go away but something else will bear the consequences. For example, when you take a paracetamol one of the nerves in your brain will have to release its hand on holding more tasks. I decide to take my own elixir. Not to be taken by consumption but by keeping it in mind. It helps a lot. “This too shall pass.” 
My best medicine is a prayer. Much nicer if added with words of wisdom from the Holy Scripture.

And remember, if there is anything that could heal any illness, it is GOD.

* www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/panic-disorder/index.shtml

For you

We come from the same dust. Don't brag just because you stand higher than me. REMEMBER,if you could go that far, why can't I?

Karma or no karma

Karma or no karma? You said "someday you'll feel how I feel when you dump me" when the other day you said "your happiness is my happiness" while what you wanted to say are "you'll never be happy without me." You said that it is his karma that he got dumped. That he deserve it because he does that to you. And you even use "I love you so much that I deserve you more than anyone else." ever consider that you are never meant to be?

This is my point

"God has His own plan for you." even when you are nothing but a foetus in your mother womb. He sees what your destiny is. So why karma? What it is not yours, not your. Even if you tie it hard, it will still go away. If it is yours, what the used of tying it? When it comes to getting dump, ever consider that maybe they wanted to be with someone they knew they have choose the right person, or maybe they are not ready for a serious relationship, they freak out or maybe things between you just can't be fixed? No matter how much you try, if it is not yours, it will go away. Why cling on something that will let you go?

Karma or no karma? You decide. Me, I used "consequences". Whatever options we choose there will always be consequences coming - good or bad, who knows? You can't say that he choose the wrong person when you saw she isn't as beautiful as you do, or she is no good than you. What do you know?

But well, this is life; there is always something that never makes sense to you 'mighty' mind. There is always something that drives you to think "I deserve better than they do." you are no human if you never felt that way. Well, I got to admit that, that is how we live our lives. I once read a blog that convince us to use "Lie" in order to survive. For example, when you face failure, you will tell yourself that someday you will succeed - good or bad, who knows? A good example, Thomas Edison with his bulb. or Cinderella wishing for her prince Charming. or maybe waiting for a cat to grow a torn. good or bad, who knows?  

Midnight Thought *-*

One midnight, I haven't yet asleep as a consequences of my 'evening nap'. But, I couldn't avoid it, I try to open my eyes but I feel too tired.

That night, I’m in the state of reminiscing old time. Everything still gives me a state of poignant anxiety these days. I don't know why; maybe because of the transactions in my life occur most in that time - the way I think, the way my physical develop. It seems that I had lost most of what I have back then. I believe a few good friend, and most of all, a person who changed the way I see the world. I don't know if everyone experiences the same path as mine, but one thing for sure, it felt like I'm live in a different life now. I guess that is what we called as "moved on"; moved instead of move stated clearly that it has happened-or I should change it to "had moved on" to make it more clearly that it won’t come back? NEVER. How could we give away half of our life? I've learn that there are some state in our unconscious mind which is called as 'repression' where we tend to forget things that might hurt us (mentally). It is a part of defense mechanism. Lemme give you an example (a case study).
"I have always been able to recall events which occurred in the past. Members of my family are sometimes amazed at my total recall of incidents at the age of two or three. However, I couldn't for the life of me remember my great-uncle Martin.According to my family, Uncle Martin died when I was 8 years old. They tell me that I was Uncle Martin's favourite and he used to take me everywhere. All I could remember is attending his funeral. And even then, all I could remember is riding in a black car wearing a white lace dress. This was the only recollection I had of Uncle Martin or his funeral until I attended another funeral last summer. It was a funeral of a former schoolmate. The dead boy's mother was so overcome with grief that she pulled the corpse from its coffin and began to cry...... At that very moment I felt a jolt go through my whole body. I suddenly remembered myself dressed in white lace tugging at Uncle Martin's hand, begging him to leave "that old box." I could still feel that the same smooth coldness of those stiff fingers and gave on involuntary shudder.On just writing about this recollection, I felt that this was apparently a supressed thought, but now I think it was repressed...I remember it only in this similar situation."

(Introduction to Psychology Oxford & IBH Publishing CO)

The example is 1 of 5 theories of forgetting, whereas the rest are the absence of inadequate stimulation, the mere passage of time, inteference, lastly obliteration of the memory trace.

That must be the only logic reason why we 'give away' or 'forget' our past. This is me, trying to find logic in everything that seems impossible in the state of human's capabilities of denying that there is a 'thing' that is too powerful. The tales of a Man turns water into wines, blinds to normal are impossible and nonsense. It is so hard for them to accept that all the intelligence pedigreed by their ancestors, all the magnificent things discovered and made are only a piece of knowledge own by Him. That He somehow shares with His creations. Sometimes, this fact gives a smile on my face.

oppppssss, tersasar. balik kepada tajuk, memang lumrah manusia la tu 'lupa' tu. Jadi, apa yang jadi terima saja la dengan hati yang terbuka dengan harapan semuanya akan berlalu secepat mungkin. semoga keperitan itu jadi satu kenangan yang kita jadikan pengajaran mahupun memori yang mungkin hanya akan timbul bila perkara-perkara tertentu men'stimulate'nya.

Banyak lagi yang saya perlu belajar supaya saya bertumbuh dewasa dari segi mental. Lama-lama saya lupa juga tu macam mana hidup di Neverland. Adios...

Can a chicken be a duck?

Can a hen hatches eggs of the duck? Can a little chicken live a life living its life as a duckling? Can a chicken swim on the pond like the duckling do? Can a chicken learn to quack like a duck? Can a chicken eat like a duck?

Nor did I know. Just to think of it, a chicken followed a mother of duck, it must be hard for her to walk like a duck – sway their butt and have a weird walk. It must be hard for the little chicken to accept how small she is compared to her siblings. It must be hard for the little chicken to look for foods because chicken use feet while duck use their beak.

Do you think Cinderella live happily ever after as stated? Does she found it easy to be a wife of a prince – living in a castle, have maids and everything is under watch of her guard – living a life he never thought of, a life that she wasn't taught? What does she knows, she is not yet a woman when she made such decision. A young girl indeed. Do you think she found it easy to have such man as a husband – running a country, too often away from her?

She must have missed her own home. She must felt the same thing as her father left her alone with the step-family members. The other people in the castle have teach her this and that, dos and don'ts, and so on. I believe there is a time she wishes to go home and simply having her former life – sweeping the floor, wash the dishes and clothes, being locked in her room and read books, talks with the animal. For it means nothing much difference now that his husband always been away. It must be hard for her for she have no one close in that place. Even if she got herself several maids, but maids surely know their place.

Maybe, Snow White finds it easier, because she is a princess before.

But my oh my, how hard it is being a queen? – your man is the nation ruler and can ask anything you wanted to for, of course, you are, yourself the queen! And again, life is a matter of preference. Do you find it is your dream to be a queen? Not mine! Mine is a mere life where I can do anything I wanted. To be a queen, eyes are everywhere, you may even live in terror (someone may kidnapped you or your children) or even a little mistake will lead to a hot issues for your people. Can a queen have a walk in the street and enjoy the scenery as long as you wish – and the most important thing without others to interrupt your day? A queen is a queen. She has to be pampered, to be bow down to, and to be praise and worship. Not to be left alone, not to let her hurt, not to let herself doing too much works. That’s at least not the life I wanted! I wanted to live my life the fullest, to be able to feel how to fall so I know how to stand up; to be able to feel alone so I know how bad it is they must have felt when their children of family left them alone; to be able to be called ‘ugly’ so I know what is it to take to be ‘beautiful’; and most of all to be able to sometimes to need to endure pain so it is an implication that I am alive. I live in a sinful world where I longed to go to a place; a home where He had has made for us. A place where there are no more tears, pain and departures. A place called ‘My Heavenly Home’. “There are many homes up there where my Father lives, and I am going to prepare them for your coming. When everything is ready, then I will come and get you, so that you can always be with me where I am,” said He.

But to think of it, it must be good, really good indeed; to have a man who have found your other part of shoe and put it on your foot. More likely he is the man who has everything. When the life you live now is not the life you should have and he is the only way out. The prince, he is the love-at-first-sight for Cinderella. She and he had fallen in love. And yes, love is blind. Not because there is no eyes, but things can be beyond what you have seen or learned. Romeo and Juliet as an example, they know they shouldn't have let themselves fall more into their love struck, and again, love is blind. Not because they don’t have eyes, but because love doesn't need eyes – you need your heart, feeling. And where does their story end? Dead bodies and family reunite. If only Romeo knew her plan at the first place, it would be different. And another example the story of Queen Elizabeth, whose mother stole a woman’s man and promise him a son and a great descendent but she had none but a daughter but her daughter, Elizabeth herself had become a great Queen. Unfortunately, the mother was executed for a sin of adultery. Life. It is always an A for a B,  pro and contra. A yin and a yang. An ugly for the beauty. For ugly means nothing without beauty.

 And Cinderella, after became a queen, even if she regrets it afterwards, she can’t.  We live in a sinful world, where nothing is perfect!

It is not bad to dream high, but sometimes, it may be just an illusion – I live a life with the knowledge that things just don’t happen and magic can just sometimes be an illusion. And if someday, any fairy tales story be you destiny, you are one lucky person! 

#02 (cont)

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