Battle of life

Twas’ one late evening when I suddenly woke up and I almost lost my breath. I keep searching for the reason. Is it because of my dream or maybe because I forgot to do something and I am running out of time? Neither is right. FYI, this is not a foreign for me. I’ve been like this for a while. It happen without any alarm and when it stopped by, it surely does leave a huge hole in me. The worst case I ever have is when all of the sudden I lost control of my own leg. I can barely feel my legs. It happened during my first semester where the freshmen are required to join drill. Every Monday, it will attack me. I went to the clinic and she sent me to someone who consoles me. She asked me to fight it or let the medicine do. And I choose to fight it. Believe me, if it is an easy task I wouldn’t bother to share it with you. And apparently, lately so to say, I get it a lot. I haven’t told my family yet about this. It bothers me a lot thinking that they are worried about me. And you won’t. .
Do you know how it feels when you are not around with any person you knew to calm you down? I keep yelling ‘help’ again and again but never to put it in a word that any human can hear. Yes, I am a loner. I keep distance with people I barely meet. I don’t have bestie in my campus. (I rarely get this when I am home) If you ever see me, you’ll notice the only person I always linger with is Nurshafirah. Why? Because she is the one who have been by my side during I lost control of my own legs and she is the one who catch me before I hit the ground. It will be nicer if I could get some help. Where to seek? I don’t know. What is wrong with me, I am not sure. I just assume I have Panic disorder. Panic disorder is a state when someone has sudden and repeated attacks of fear that last for several minutes and may last longer, which is called as panic attack. Panic attacks are characterized by a fear of disaster or of losing control when there is no real danger. A person may also have a strong physical reaction during a panic attack. It may feel like having a heart attack.
Symptoms including:
1.Sudden and repeated attacks of fear
2.A feeling of being out of control during a panic attack
3.A fear or avoidance of places where panic attacks have occurred in the past
4.Physical symptoms during an attack, such as pounding or racing heart, sweating, breathing problems, weakness or dizziness, feeling hot or a cold chill, tingly or numb hands, chest pain, or stomach pain. *

         The worst of all is handling it alone. So, if someone whoever ever read this, please note that you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, I will be the person. Believe me; it is not pleasant to have this state in front of strangers. I cried every time it came to me. At least crying makes it go away. It really nice to have someone who could just stay by your side during that period of despair. No words required.
To think of it, maybe it is because I am used to keep distance from others. I can’t help it. I love to be alone and the fact that I am not good at making friends. I try but I notice some people need to have something in order for you to step into their circle of life. I wish I have one. Screw my head for thinking too much toward anybody else. If only she could shut up while I am in a conversation with a person instead of her. Most of my time, she is my bestfriend, my worst enemy, my consultant, the one who makes me falls. Sometimes she will tells me that I am pretty but when I confront with a human being she keeps telling me I'm fat. Sometimes she told me I have God by my side but there will be times she told me danger is everywhere waiting for you. 
            If I could get help, would I take it? I don’t know. There are times when I couldn’t afford to control myself and I wish I can take medication but someone told me pills will make it go away but something else will bear the consequences. For example, when you take a paracetamol one of the nerves in your brain will have to release its hand on holding more tasks. I decide to take my own elixir. Not to be taken by consumption but by keeping it in mind. It helps a lot. “This too shall pass.” 
My best medicine is a prayer. Much nicer if added with words of wisdom from the Holy Scripture.

And remember, if there is anything that could heal any illness, it is GOD.

* www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/panic-disorder/index.shtml

For you

We come from the same dust. Don't brag just because you stand higher than me. REMEMBER,if you could go that far, why can't I?

Karma or no karma

Karma or no karma? You said "someday you'll feel how I feel when you dump me" when the other day you said "your happiness is my happiness" while what you wanted to say are "you'll never be happy without me." You said that it is his karma that he got dumped. That he deserve it because he does that to you. And you even use "I love you so much that I deserve you more than anyone else." ever consider that you are never meant to be?

This is my point

"God has His own plan for you." even when you are nothing but a foetus in your mother womb. He sees what your destiny is. So why karma? What it is not yours, not your. Even if you tie it hard, it will still go away. If it is yours, what the used of tying it? When it comes to getting dump, ever consider that maybe they wanted to be with someone they knew they have choose the right person, or maybe they are not ready for a serious relationship, they freak out or maybe things between you just can't be fixed? No matter how much you try, if it is not yours, it will go away. Why cling on something that will let you go?

Karma or no karma? You decide. Me, I used "consequences". Whatever options we choose there will always be consequences coming - good or bad, who knows? You can't say that he choose the wrong person when you saw she isn't as beautiful as you do, or she is no good than you. What do you know?

But well, this is life; there is always something that never makes sense to you 'mighty' mind. There is always something that drives you to think "I deserve better than they do." you are no human if you never felt that way. Well, I got to admit that, that is how we live our lives. I once read a blog that convince us to use "Lie" in order to survive. For example, when you face failure, you will tell yourself that someday you will succeed - good or bad, who knows? A good example, Thomas Edison with his bulb. or Cinderella wishing for her prince Charming. or maybe waiting for a cat to grow a torn. good or bad, who knows?  

Midnight Thought *-*

One midnight, I haven't yet asleep as a consequences of my 'evening nap'. But, I couldn't avoid it, I try to open my eyes but I feel too tired.

That night, I’m in the state of reminiscing old time. Everything still gives me a state of poignant anxiety these days. I don't know why; maybe because of the transactions in my life occur most in that time - the way I think, the way my physical develop. It seems that I had lost most of what I have back then. I believe a few good friend, and most of all, a person who changed the way I see the world. I don't know if everyone experiences the same path as mine, but one thing for sure, it felt like I'm live in a different life now. I guess that is what we called as "moved on"; moved instead of move stated clearly that it has happened-or I should change it to "had moved on" to make it more clearly that it won’t come back? NEVER. How could we give away half of our life? I've learn that there are some state in our unconscious mind which is called as 'repression' where we tend to forget things that might hurt us (mentally). It is a part of defense mechanism. Lemme give you an example (a case study).
"I have always been able to recall events which occurred in the past. Members of my family are sometimes amazed at my total recall of incidents at the age of two or three. However, I couldn't for the life of me remember my great-uncle Martin.According to my family, Uncle Martin died when I was 8 years old. They tell me that I was Uncle Martin's favourite and he used to take me everywhere. All I could remember is attending his funeral. And even then, all I could remember is riding in a black car wearing a white lace dress. This was the only recollection I had of Uncle Martin or his funeral until I attended another funeral last summer. It was a funeral of a former schoolmate. The dead boy's mother was so overcome with grief that she pulled the corpse from its coffin and began to cry...... At that very moment I felt a jolt go through my whole body. I suddenly remembered myself dressed in white lace tugging at Uncle Martin's hand, begging him to leave "that old box." I could still feel that the same smooth coldness of those stiff fingers and gave on involuntary shudder.On just writing about this recollection, I felt that this was apparently a supressed thought, but now I think it was repressed...I remember it only in this similar situation."

(Introduction to Psychology Oxford & IBH Publishing CO)

The example is 1 of 5 theories of forgetting, whereas the rest are the absence of inadequate stimulation, the mere passage of time, inteference, lastly obliteration of the memory trace.

That must be the only logic reason why we 'give away' or 'forget' our past. This is me, trying to find logic in everything that seems impossible in the state of human's capabilities of denying that there is a 'thing' that is too powerful. The tales of a Man turns water into wines, blinds to normal are impossible and nonsense. It is so hard for them to accept that all the intelligence pedigreed by their ancestors, all the magnificent things discovered and made are only a piece of knowledge own by Him. That He somehow shares with His creations. Sometimes, this fact gives a smile on my face.

oppppssss, tersasar. balik kepada tajuk, memang lumrah manusia la tu 'lupa' tu. Jadi, apa yang jadi terima saja la dengan hati yang terbuka dengan harapan semuanya akan berlalu secepat mungkin. semoga keperitan itu jadi satu kenangan yang kita jadikan pengajaran mahupun memori yang mungkin hanya akan timbul bila perkara-perkara tertentu men'stimulate'nya.

Banyak lagi yang saya perlu belajar supaya saya bertumbuh dewasa dari segi mental. Lama-lama saya lupa juga tu macam mana hidup di Neverland. Adios...

Can a chicken be a duck?

Can a hen hatches eggs of the duck? Can a little chicken live a life living its life as a duckling? Can a chicken swim on the pond like the duckling do? Can a chicken learn to quack like a duck? Can a chicken eat like a duck?

Nor did I know. Just to think of it, a chicken followed a mother of duck, it must be hard for her to walk like a duck – sway their butt and have a weird walk. It must be hard for the little chicken to accept how small she is compared to her siblings. It must be hard for the little chicken to look for foods because chicken use feet while duck use their beak.

Do you think Cinderella live happily ever after as stated? Does she found it easy to be a wife of a prince – living in a castle, have maids and everything is under watch of her guard – living a life he never thought of, a life that she wasn't taught? What does she knows, she is not yet a woman when she made such decision. A young girl indeed. Do you think she found it easy to have such man as a husband – running a country, too often away from her?

She must have missed her own home. She must felt the same thing as her father left her alone with the step-family members. The other people in the castle have teach her this and that, dos and don'ts, and so on. I believe there is a time she wishes to go home and simply having her former life – sweeping the floor, wash the dishes and clothes, being locked in her room and read books, talks with the animal. For it means nothing much difference now that his husband always been away. It must be hard for her for she have no one close in that place. Even if she got herself several maids, but maids surely know their place.

Maybe, Snow White finds it easier, because she is a princess before.

But my oh my, how hard it is being a queen? – your man is the nation ruler and can ask anything you wanted to for, of course, you are, yourself the queen! And again, life is a matter of preference. Do you find it is your dream to be a queen? Not mine! Mine is a mere life where I can do anything I wanted. To be a queen, eyes are everywhere, you may even live in terror (someone may kidnapped you or your children) or even a little mistake will lead to a hot issues for your people. Can a queen have a walk in the street and enjoy the scenery as long as you wish – and the most important thing without others to interrupt your day? A queen is a queen. She has to be pampered, to be bow down to, and to be praise and worship. Not to be left alone, not to let her hurt, not to let herself doing too much works. That’s at least not the life I wanted! I wanted to live my life the fullest, to be able to feel how to fall so I know how to stand up; to be able to feel alone so I know how bad it is they must have felt when their children of family left them alone; to be able to be called ‘ugly’ so I know what is it to take to be ‘beautiful’; and most of all to be able to sometimes to need to endure pain so it is an implication that I am alive. I live in a sinful world where I longed to go to a place; a home where He had has made for us. A place where there are no more tears, pain and departures. A place called ‘My Heavenly Home’. “There are many homes up there where my Father lives, and I am going to prepare them for your coming. When everything is ready, then I will come and get you, so that you can always be with me where I am,” said He.

But to think of it, it must be good, really good indeed; to have a man who have found your other part of shoe and put it on your foot. More likely he is the man who has everything. When the life you live now is not the life you should have and he is the only way out. The prince, he is the love-at-first-sight for Cinderella. She and he had fallen in love. And yes, love is blind. Not because there is no eyes, but things can be beyond what you have seen or learned. Romeo and Juliet as an example, they know they shouldn't have let themselves fall more into their love struck, and again, love is blind. Not because they don’t have eyes, but because love doesn't need eyes – you need your heart, feeling. And where does their story end? Dead bodies and family reunite. If only Romeo knew her plan at the first place, it would be different. And another example the story of Queen Elizabeth, whose mother stole a woman’s man and promise him a son and a great descendent but she had none but a daughter but her daughter, Elizabeth herself had become a great Queen. Unfortunately, the mother was executed for a sin of adultery. Life. It is always an A for a B,  pro and contra. A yin and a yang. An ugly for the beauty. For ugly means nothing without beauty.

 And Cinderella, after became a queen, even if she regrets it afterwards, she can’t.  We live in a sinful world, where nothing is perfect!

It is not bad to dream high, but sometimes, it may be just an illusion – I live a life with the knowledge that things just don’t happen and magic can just sometimes be an illusion. And if someday, any fairy tales story be you destiny, you are one lucky person! 

#02 (cont)

#05

#04

#06

Have you ever stop for a while, in your busy days how is it to be someone else? Since I was a little girl, I always have a thought in my mind how is it to be someone else. Weirdly, it is not the healthy, richer person I would like to know, but the poorer, those who doesn't have any shoe to wear, those who have many stories to tell but have no one to listen to and mostly on how is it to be in a crowd of people who never understand how is it to be poor. Well, mostly, my thoughts are referring my life which I feel ashamed to admit. I may have shoe to wear but I don't have cell phone for texting. I may have friends, plenty of them to tell parts of my stories but I loss someone who understand much of my point of view. I may live in a world which are surrounded by poor people, like me, but then I am lost in the world of crowded people that sometimes I forgot how is to be grateful with what I have. 

Why is it we wanted to be someone else? Since I was little, troubles mostly I have is to be able to communicate, to make new friends. So, I learn that some actions, acts attract friends. If you are friendly, you'll get friend, you won't be alone. If you do jokes, some will prefer to spend time with you. If you are clever, some would like you to work with them in a group. If you are pretty more people will come to your life. Be popular and you have a great life. 

Here I am now, 20 years old, looking back for many years I had lived my life trying to be someone else. Why is it? I might say "an adaption towards the surrounding's flexibility." or is because I am ashamed of who am I inside, my background?  I wanted to do jokes so you would like to read my blog, I wanted to post something that attract more reader. But then I learn, it is not your content mostly that attract more reader but how popular you are among people. I've read some none sense blog about a girl telling what she do all day long and hell yes she got hundreds of readers eventhough she is just posting "Today I eat apple pie for breakfast... bla bla bla..bla bla bla.."  And yes, she is one beautiful girl. That influences too. There are some requirement you need to fulfilled to makes you able to get more reader. Mine? I have nothing. I have much thoughts in my mind. My thought don't attract other. So, I am writing for myself. BE ME, BE LONELY. I am reading my own blog because none will do. 

Am I offense? Do I feel sad? HELL NO! Do you think I don't feel glad that I am alone, lonely? This is how I live my life, and I like it. I do interfere with others. I have many friends whom I love so much! And be in a social life doesn't mean you don't feel lonely and alone. There's a time when even you are surrounded by people, you still feel alone, lonely. One great thing about me turning 20 is, I learn, be someone else doesn't mean everything will change the way you wanted it to be. I then find out, it is because I, be me, myself, I had a chance - a chance that I never planned - to be in a relationship with him. It is me being me that attract him to get to know me more. Being with him changes a lot of my perspectives towards life. "Live is your struggle of existence. Do it your way or don't do it."  

What is your first assumption regarding this picture? The man is using his wife's as a scarecrow? How about the man choose it because he feels alone, working all day long in his farm, whose wife is busy in their house which is mile away. By doing so, then he won't feel too lonely, and fell save (yala, ada isteri yang 'garang' jaga tanaman.kompom lari burung n yang pencuri pun takut tingu urang-urang yang ko buat). HAHA.  Who knows kn? It could be that way. 

My point, don't just jump into conclusion. What is custom to you might mean something else to others. Stop for a while and be empathize not by your thought but how others' feel. 

Jam 5 am suda! Bubye.. ~~

#3

I may not be The BEST, but I'll do My BEST
~ I could study like hell and end up hell. HAHA. JK. Student's life, studying like hell - or at least that is how I describe "HELL". My course may not be as good as yours but what choice do I have left? Doing my best is the only option left. A little opportunities is better than none at all. Opportunity is everywhere. Kadang-kadang bila saya study, saya rasa saya macam budak2 pandai. Tapi kenyataan. #sedihnya kehidupan.

#02

Journey of a thousand miles, must begin with a single step.
~ The past won't represent the future. It just a handbook of how you handle your life before. YOU are now create a new book, new page in your life. to make it interesting, don't do what you've done. NEVER long to look back what you have left behind. There are reasons why you want it to be part of your 'memory'. Everything start with a beginning and end with an end. 

#01

Beat it or weep it! 

~ Live like there's no tomorrow. Do your best in everything you do. Let God handle   
   the rest. If it is yours, yours it is. If not, learn to let go. The hardest thing to learn is 
   to be a good loser. 
And again, life is your struggle of existence. DO it your way, or don't do it. 

Change

Circumstances changed. Completely changed and yet I remain the same. Still the old me with new perspective. I admit it. I fall in love, I'm in love and he too feels the same. HAHA. awkward. Seriously, I never thought this would happen to me - until today. Everytimes I wake up, I wonder if what happened is just a part of my dream. Luckily it is for real. Our relationship is complicated, at first but then as time passed it finally makes sense. It just me who still can't put all pieces of me in this new situation. How am I suppose accepted it wholly when before I was completely opposite of this stuff? But, love changed everything. ~blush *-*

If I were me before, this will be a joke to laugh out loud. But now, I fall in love, I have to admit that it is true. I don't know how and why, but it just happens. I pray and keep on praying asking for God's advice about this feeling. God answered with His own way.

I asked God if this is something worthwhile to give my heart to, for I am afraid of my former relationship and God give me His answer. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if I give him my heart, he won't break it. But we made our promise to do our best. During these periods, we develop trust which becomes the base of our relationship besides God. I know it is still early to assume anything but time is just a matter of period.

"It's not the one you love the longest, but the one you love deepest; that forever stays in your heart". A friend of mine posted that on Facebook a few days ago. Maybe because of I broke my heart deeply last time; I just don't buy any sweet words. Not that I don't trust him but I just haven't have the gut yet to give my heart to be broken. Nanti okey juga bah ni kan? I love him. I wish he know how much I do. It is really hard to makes others to understand how much I do. I closed my heart for any man for 3 years and this is something new. When a girl does something opposite of what she usually does, she gives part of her life for it. BUtul bah. =( I never wanted to fall in love again. NEVER! It does cross my mind but not this soon. Most of my prayers, I focused of this stuff. God lead me. Here I am now, not regretting the path that I’ve chooses. Whatever happened in the future, bad or good things, I put my trust in God's hand.

Everytime I told him I love him, I give piece by piece of my heart hoping someday I don't have to tell him that word to convince him how much I do.

He just broke up with his former girlfriend which I knew hard for him. 'Us' is something unexpected. The feeling bits by bits eat us both until both of us can't hold it anymore. I blocked my feeling for my own sake. I tried my best to avoid him. I tried my best not to think about him. I tried my best to eliminate the raging emotion in me. I prayed and pray. I remember avoiding him several times. He loves his former ex deeply. He gave her second changes, several changes but she takes it for granted. I know she loves him deeply too. I don't know what happened. How am I supposed to ask him when I know how much it hurt? =( He told me a little bit. He didn't tell me what exactly happened. Entalah. He told me it's about trust. Trully, I feel sorry for her. I too don't wish this to happen. I know how much it hurt. I don't know how, love gives 'us' time and chance to be together. He told me he too prayed much about us. and God show him the way. I don't wish her to understand, to accept 'us' yet, but perhaps someday. I'll pray for her to find another man which worth to give her heart to. I'm so sorry dear. =( A friend of mine advise 'ko kasi terus sija bah hubungan kamu. Memangla saya tau ko faham amacam dia rasa tapi tidak bermaksud ko perlu kasi lepas yang lelaki kan. sudah jadi juga.' butul jugala. Tapi macam sa selfish pula. Entalah. I dunno. Being selfish is not who I am. So mungkin saya begini sebab..... sebab saya sangat teruk broken hearted dulu. Saya baru juga let go sa punya feeling toward my ex a few months ago kan. =( Saya tau la amacam dia rasa. kan bilang "what you don't wish for yourself, do not do to others."

Entalah. Pusing-pusing kepala saya fikir pasal benda-benda macam ne. saya cuma harap sebelum orang lain buat apa2 assumption, saya harap dorang try be in my shoe.

Tidak tahu la. Pa jadi, jadilah. I leave it in God's hand. Saya hanya mampu merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. I'll do my best. =)

D.O.W.N

If there is anything that is beyond my capabilty to stand  for a load is DEATH. I couldn't face death. I couldn't face the picture. How can you stand on your knees seeing someone that you knew in a box everyone called coffin? I burried cats, dogs and chickens. and some I did shed tears by doing so. Tell me, where did they go? I saw them run freely before and all of the sudden they just gone. Gone like the wind. Another wind came and again they passed. 

Maybe I could face mine. I believe God had set my limit. Yala, sooner or later everything will come to an end. me, you, them. But still, death of my dearest, I couldn't face. I never lost any yet - just few that I knew but not close. So when the day came, I surely don't know what to do. I may collapse, be misantrophic or cries 'till I got no more tears to shed, which is possible on a person like me. The sense of lost will be so desolating that I longed to sleep all day long - maybe a few days still I'm gain my consciousness. I don't know. 

Just to be in their (the remaing member that left by the dead) shoes', no, I couldn't do that. How am I in a appropriate way to claim I'm in their shoe if I never have such experienced. DAMN. What just happen to my morning? 

I curse you soul reaper, I curse you movies lover who take life for granted. Which part of DEATH amused you? 

Happy Birthday Me!^^ (Forever alone)

ayyeerrr.. Me turning 20 isn't a pleasant thing for me. Because, I haven't achieve any yet. =='
sedih brabis tau. I spent my entire 20years,.... mmmm. pa saya buat ah? HAHA. too much! ^^
ada juga bh saya buat. cuma mungkin xdapat accomplish pa yang saya mahu.

BTW, what I do today? I'm not the type of person who celebrates birthday. The last time I celebrate my birthday was for my 6th. That's about 14years ago. None since then. NONE..
 but I'm fine. I don't mind. What's the big deal? I could celebrate it if I want to. IF I want to. but then again, if I wanted to celebrate it, I'd done it during those 14years.

BTW, because I shared the day with someone I knew, I prepared her a gift. ^^

 

This is the picture of me and Lala. She's the one. ^^ 

Cute bh dia.XD

This is what I do just now. HAHA. bida ne saya rasa.macam saya mo buat ba baru.yang lebih kemas.^^

How about the day? Okay bha. Saya tingu TV. saya tingu movie "Arthur(2011)".. Siuk ba. Then I watched Private Practice. Then I just read books. bla bla bla.. nothing interesting. No one to share the happy moment. My brother forgot, my sister almost and my cousin also forgot. I don't mind. It won't gets better if they remembered. Anyway, I got 100+ greetings on facebook. Thank you facebook reminder! During 2010, I hide my birthday, so only 4 persons greeted me. SERIOUSLY. only 4 persons remembered my birthday. But then, today and that day, it has no different. it's the day I get a year older. kanapa la dapat 1000+ greetings. Tida ubah apa2.

Nda pa. At the end of 'my' day, I then get my 1st and probably my last gift. (butul2 forever alone) 

yeah..! Ice-cream. At least my wish did come true. (ice-cream for birthday)

Am I happy? Why not? I'm alive! kan? God loves me. 

What else I wish? 'saya mo jalan2. saya mo buang masa jalan2 sama kawan2, makan2 sama2, ketawa sama2. saya mo kasi lupa yang ne ari, ari jadi sa sbab saya sama2 kawan2 saya. saya mo rasa dapat hadiah. saya mo kana nyanyi happy birthday bukan macam tiap tahun sa nyanyi untuk diri sendiri. saya mo rasa pa orang lain rasa time birthday. saya mo buat party.'

=='

Tapi bila fikir2 balik, sa inda mo hadiah, saya inda mo kana nyanyi sbab pelik bah rasa kana nyanyi. Tidak biasa dapat attention. AWKWARD. jadi itu kana cancel. party pun cancel. (kalu buat party, saya jadi tumpuan) WISH saya yang paling saya harap kana fulfill da, yang jalan-jalan sama spend time with my friends. My friends are my life. I am nothing without them.  Saya bukan mo jalan-jalan sbab mo celebrate birthday saya tapi sbab saya mo ini hari bagi saya memory yang saya akan simpan sampai bila-bila.saya mo ketawa, saya mo rasa taksub dengan ciptaan Tuhan. I wish to watch the sky full of stars or beautiful moon pun buli. 

But then, none came true. Maybe I didn't wish any bah. IYA. I didn't wish any. 

I don't believe in such thing. WISH. I do when I was a little girl. but then I just don't. I grow up. 

why? because everybody do. Where's my friends? They grow up. I'm left alone in Neverland. We used to spend time together but because they decided to grow up, so they got lots of things to do. So, they just forgot. I don't blame anyone. I blame the world, the time, the cruel time. It stoles my friends. I'm left alone in Neverland. ALONE. 

Just like Peter Pan, I'm left alone. I still hold the same me while others grow up. They decide to do this and that and abandon the world we created together. To adapt the new situation, I tried to catch up with them, leaving Neverland behind, still I hold the same me. At one point, you just can't go with the flow and you'd lost. Lost in your own world, wishing and wishing. Until one day, you decide to grow up too. That day, you stopped wishing. No more "I wish, I wish with all my heart to...." 

You looked at a shooting star and said "hey, that's a comet. Do you know......." You looked at a wishing well and said "they threw money. what a waste." You looked at the bright moon and said "mmm. Full moon aye." No longer "I wish, I wish, with all my heart to..."

And today, I feel the emptiness the most. Why, because I'm a year older and where are they? THEY GROW UP. bah. MOVE ON MAXINE^^ 

No longer shits' talk. No longer longing for the time to flew back. No longer dreaming a beautiful dream (even though we should dreamt beautiful for it's only a dream) because you need to stand on reality - at least that's what they'd told you. 

Forgiving is the miracle of love. Ordy forgive but still they won't understand. 

"I miss you my dear friend. I miss the talk. But you grow up. We grow up - in our own way"

Live Your Life (No self-pity)

No matter how hard your life may be, live your life!

Selalu kana cakap macam tu. Saya tabik la urang yang buli cakap sinang ja mo hidup!! Mimang terer gila la tu urang.

A year ago, semua ayam yang Grannie saya ternak sakit. sakit bawa maut. Tinggal 2 survivors lagi. Both hen. A black and red hens. I saw the black one lying under the stair. She makes no movement for about a day and I thought she's dead. Saya suruh Dady saya pi kubur. Saya mo juga tapi penakut ne saya kalu babak mati2.
The question always rage out from my mind,
"what happen to the dead things?" "For God's second coming, they too will rise?" "Where they go? I saw them grow up. Will I forget? Will this pass? Will I ever met them again when I buried them? What will happen to me? How is it to be dead?" etc etc

PELIK

Sambung crita.. Bila Dady saya angkat, bergerak pula. Hidup bah. 2-3 hari kemudian dapat sudah kenen dia  bangun. Miracle! Mo 4hari xmakan tau minum, tapi masih hidup.. kalu saya, enta la. Sakap pun susah! A year later, ne tahun la, they multiply. The black hen rises 3 chickens and the red hen 4 chickens. The black hen kira ketua di area da la. because no rooster kn. She's the tough one, so she's the boss. No other chicken yg bule kacau da makan. Kadang-kadang sa gerigitan juga, tapi bila ingat balik cara da survive, saya tidak jadi buat apa-apa. Unluckily, 1 dari anak da ne kudung. IYA. Hilang 1 kaki da. Kadang bila saya tingu ne ayam, saya pandai terfikir "hebat da ohw. Teda sebelah kaki tapi sa inda sa pena nampak da berhenti bergerak. Jalan-jalan ja kerja da."  Ramai yang kesian kalu nampak ne anak ayam bah. Tadi petang saya kesian nampak da berusaha cari makan, saya bagi da makanan. (Yang hen yg red, pindah rumah. Inda tahan kana belasah oleh yang black hen. KEJAM. *-*) Time-time saya bagi da makan, beliau da sampai da patuk bah ne ayam kudung. PUNYA! ~~

Yang siblings da, uke2 lagi.inda lagi mematuk kalu p makan yang makanan saya bagi. Durang share lagi. ^^
Bila saya nampak mama da patuk ne anak ayam, memang la saya inda buli buat pa2 kan. Ketua bh tu da. Saya rasa macam mo mara pun ada. Tapi bila ingat balik, I can't judge. Who am I to tell it to stop? That the little chicken had lost its left foot and having a hard time to survive and the Mum shouldn't do that?
Saya rasa yang Mama ayam buli dengan megah bah cakap "ko ingat senang ka hidup? ko ingat ko teda kaki sebelah ko patut dapat layanan istimewa? Mama indada hilang mana2 anggota badan tapi Mama hilang sudah semua keluarga yang ada. Itu anggota yang Mama hilang. Jadi Mama pun layak dapat layanan istimewa.Tapi hidup memang susah. Paling inda patutlah ko kasi kesian diri sendiri. Ko inda survive. Ko teda kaki sebelah tapi ko masih juga perlu lari cepat bila ada ular atau biawak kejar ko, kalu inda ko mimang dalam perut dorang. Ko ingat dorang mo berhenti kejar, bagi peluang 100meter baru dorang kejar sebab teda sbalah kaki ko? TEDA. Jangan ko marah Mama kalu Mama layan ko macam ne. Kasi bukti Mama yang ko bukan lemah. Yang ko ne anak Mami."
Maybe those words are the words that encourage that little chick to survive, to keep on running in its life, to keep on walking even if it's hurt, to keep finding food to survive and never stop to let itself die.

PAIN. Pain is the prove that we are alive. I feel the pain of living my life everyday, but at least it indicates I am alive! I feel pain when I fall, when I'm sad, when someone leave me, when someone hurt me, when I saw things I don't like, when I can't have the things I wanted, I feel pain for the unpleasant things macam goodbyes. Banyakla. But, at least I'm alive. I won't feel pain if I'm nothing but a dead person. So pain, thank you. To live but not only with happiness but with the pain itself. For pain teaches more than happiness do. Don't blame God if you in pain. Indeed praise Him for letting you in a pain condition, so you'll be in someone's shoe, so you know how to handle a hard time, so you'll have different life's perspective.

Bila fikir balik, kita ni pun macam tu anak ayam bah. Taruk lagi bah kali. BUTA. yala. butul bah. Tell me, ko nampak amacam yang urang2 di Afrika menderita hidup? Ko nampak amacam durang makan? Ko ada nampak mana-mana binatang yang limpas-limpas depan ko, yang ada anggota badan da hilang and minta makan? Ada mata tapi tidak nampak. YALAH. saya tau. kalau sa nampak pun bukan dapat ubah banyak. A little miracle will do, tapi amacam lagi, I couldn't afford any. What can I do? What can you do? Do you suffer more than the person with a sad face sit next to you one morning when you realize you've just miss the last bus? Do you think you suffer more than the little amputate chicken because it's nothing but a chicken and you a human being whom needs money, someone to cling on and education to survive?
Hidup memang tidak adil! Tapi apa buli buat.

Retrospect

Curently listening to The Remedy by Jason Mraz. I don't know why but it keep bothering me lately. I don't know how but just by listening to the opening music it gives out something connected directly penetrate to my heart. The melodies of guitar's string.

The Remedy (The opening)

If he started with ‘d’ note then it should be ‘c’ next. If he used 'g' instead then 'f' will be next. g,f,g,f,g,f,e,f,.a.... but then it doesn't matter. It could start with c/d/e/g/a/b..(suka ati ko) I don't know. I remember laying my head on my desk at classroom and making the song played slowly in my head and making it stuck on the same part - the opening. I would imagine me holding a guitar. I would imagine someone accompany me with the lead while I play the rhythm - someone faceless. But then we played only the opening - my favourite part. What so great about it? You could tell me a hundred millions songs but I bet u pick a song by listening to the opening. 

'Don’t judge a book by its cover' they said. Pathetic. Human are like that. The popular only hang out with their class-what-so-ever and the rest live their life admiring them. You often give someone your 1st impression by their appearance. So do I. but mostly on music. I enjoyed humming a song with a good opening. Not because they are good but I know when time passed as quickly as time do, whenever I heard an opening, I would know what genre of emotion raged out of me. There a few great songs with good opening. - I miss you-blink 182, butterfly fly away-miley cyrus, bubbly-colbie cailat, right here waiting, now and forever-richard marx, im no superman-coldplay, can't take my eyes off you-muse, she will be loved-maroon 5,perfect-simple plan, more than words, the man who can't be moved, relaku pujuk-spider etc etc. . You name it!

My life changed during those periods (2007-2008). Most of my emotion started during that time. Plenty of memories, phrases and emotions occur. friendster, yahoo messenger chat, flash video, o2jam, 'it been a while', ' merry x-mas', guitar, texts, uevoli, prank, cloudy day, music, 2 times missed, wrong person, misunderstood, studied, curiosity, regret, happy, melancholic days, gay days, quotes, idioms, pink roses, a letter for every missed day, too-late, camping, rainy day.. When did I grow up?

 

I remembered rainy night with Bubbly(Colbie Cailat) played. I know exactly which memory I am holding on. But the The Remedy, it's empty - like black-out. None came out. Yet it so dear to me. It’s empty but I know it should be something. Maybe because I closed my eyes so I see nothing. If only the world would stop for a minute - or even 10seconds, I'll take a chance- for me to look back what happened then, so I would open my eyes widely. I will capture it carefully, checked every details so when I gain consciousness I know what memories to hold for The Remedy. I treasure it so much..

In any time, I’m turning 20 (11 days to go). I bet this whole thing happen because of it. yeeeaaaaahh. The time won’t stop and moving forward even faster. Then, let it pass. Let me forget like they do. Help me to remember help me to forget. Because no matter how much I hold back, it passed.

In this stage of life, it then comes to me - the talk that they always tell me "treasure your youth for someday it will come to an end". Back then it just some matter of jokes, jokes that I understand completely and will do so. I did spent it wisely, too much indeed and guess what, you'll never satisfy with what you got! Still, there's something missing. If you decide to do 'b', you'll missed 'a'. If there is a combination of both, you'll missed some a's or b's. - just like set. You just can’t do both. tapi yala. syukur laba kn. daripada dpt c. masa form 3 bukan main lagi saya wish I grow up as soon as possible. tapi skarang I wish it will pass as slowly as possible. terima ja la kenyataan. it wont come back. Nothing I could do. Life itself is scarcely long enough to enable us to find out what it is all about.

Our lives are our struggle for existence. This is my struggle of existence. Beat it or weep it. Life, it's a matter of preference. Do it you way, or don't do it.

“If a thing only exists in order to be graceful, do it gracefully or do not do it..”

All men by nature desire to know. To know why they are here, what life is, where they are going etc etc. Living my life everyday not knowing my purpose of life terrified me, often horrified for I am unequal to its challenges. Again, life is depending on one’s particular vision on how he sees it. It’s a matter of preference. If we seek to find the answers with education, education it is. If we choose to live alone in the jungle, choose to be a misanthropic, do it. And again, it’s a matter of preference. Do it or don’t do it. Beat it or weep it.

“What most people, young or old, want is not merely security or comfort of luxury – although they will be glad to have it. It is the meaning in their lives that is matter”.  If only I have an answer, then I won’t become Lost. I won’t remain lost. I am not lost when I die.

~I want to write more but, it’s 3:50 in the morning. Sleepy. ~~ later!

HAHA

Falling in love is a pleasant thing. Everyone loves the pleasant thing. Pleasant things are things that we like, we desire, we seek to obtain, we attempt to maintain and prolong. People make poets out of it, songs and even express it with touching words, expression and more. Love is something universal. There's no way a love can be define. First you fall in love because she is beautiful. At one point when you deeply in love with her, you still love her when she doesn't look beautiful - in the sense of world regards beauty. Of course, you love her so she always looks beautiful.

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful; the woman looks beautiful because you loved her."

It finally makes sense.

Well, I've been asked lately - lots. Why still single? Mati tu soalan. mimang isu sensitif saya tau. mimang kalu bukan unfren mimang block. Yalah. I stand on reality. No beauty, no qualification (can't cook).yaa.. There are more.

It’s actually depending on how you see it. For me, it's something painful. REALLY. I see people falling in love. Deeply. But then it doesn't make sense to me. It's something blithering idiot. Hey, no offense. It's my point of view.

I saw them exchange gifts "I love you", "I Miss You" and texts, good-night-call and so on. Ya bah. sa pun pernah bersinta bah dulu. sa paam. But then when it came to reality my Mom and some always told me "Mula-mula ja tu hangat. Nanti2 tu teda ah. Skarang ja ko gumbira, nanti bila sudah ada anak, ko rasalah."

So everytime I fantasied a love story (I'm a girl, so it's normal!), I end up quiting it with that quotes. well, it's not a bad things. It do me good - a lot. I am no longer day dreaming. HAHA. *embrassing..

Those words, it robs away my ‘they-live-happily-ever-after’ point/perspective/belief. Maybe, it's true. So I stand on reality. It makes me think 'what happen for with the sweet memories? They just fade away because time passed?' Then, falling in love isn't a pleasant thing at all. It's like eating mango when you got gastric. at first, you really want to have a taste of it. Sampai berliur-liur lagi ko siakan butul tu mangga. You eat it with salts, monosodium glutamate, sugar, chillies and some prefer with soy sauce and even lime (limau ah). Makan,makan sedap ja. Siuk butul rasa. After a while, inda ko. SAKIT GASTRIK. ada yg terlampau sudah gastrik da sampai masuk hospital. ada yang sakit ringan ja. Sampai ko cakap "Sa inda lagi mo makan mangga sampai bila2!"

I saw, read some REALLY romantic love stories. Some do sacrifice, some with I-never-thought-this-happened-to-me. I do envy, but when I think it really, really careful, I can't give my heart to be broken. It's not made to be broken. It's only whether to love or be loved. I know it's something sweet to fall in love. I know I could give my heart to him but I'm a freak.

Why do I avoid when my friends talked about their love life, is because I can't stand them being hurt by it. I somehow make a great distance with some friends just because of it. I never told them that because it's cruel. Cruel to tell them to stop loving him/her when I know how hard it is to do so. I spent three years and counting, wondering when will it finally stop for good. For that, I'm sorry. If you reading this, you'll understand why I do so to you. Not that I hate you or what, but because I care, I love and it hurt me do badly seeing you broke you heart because of him/her. You don't even have any idea how much it hurt me. I spend weeks thinking of you. I want to kick your ass for doing so to me. Hey, live your life. There are more guys/girls waiting for you (which better and perhaps the one for you) out there.

Somehow, this thought eats me. I dislike attend wedding. The words "what would happen 2,3,4, or 5 years in the future? Will they still be married? or at least to each other?" Ya, it's cruel. I should be wishing them 'Live Happyly Ever After", but I just can't denied it bother me. For this 20years, I've seen and heard people got married. Some survive until this day, some doesn't. More and more couple broke up and remarried. What just happen with their former wedding? With the memories they shared? The sacrificed they made just to be together? It just passed? Just like that? That our heart tends to love someone and when you do fight, you just forgot your memories and love someone else? They told me child is a fruits of love. But some clamed ''if I'm not carrying your baby, I shouldn't suffer this much.'' Then why do it? I don't know. I shouldn't have judge. It just, it doesn't make sense to me. REALLY.

I've seen my parent living their life as a couple. And it's not easy. I saw my dad cried, drunk and all I could do is leave him alone. Not I could, I wanted to. He talked to me about it. Maybe he hopes I would say something. How do you think you can face your loved one in such situation? I seldom see my dad cry. So, I just leave. I hold my breath and tears. I shed nothing that night. There are other time when I saw my Mom cried and say 'why did I married him?'. She said he is cruel bla...bla...bla.. If you are in my shoe which side you wanted to believe? Me, Neither.

Not that I blame my dad, but I wish he would treat us better. I shouldn't have complaint. I am no one today if not because of him. But yes, I am complaining because I'm in the middle of hard time and he is no way to be found. He loves his drink than me. WHY? Didn't I just make you proud? I do this because of you. I exclude my own priority just to give you this, as a gift, a 'thank-you-for-the-care.' I know we never had a warm father- daughter. What did I do wrong? I've been thinking of just live my life as simple as possible, no University (I have my own plan). But then when I'd heard the conversation (family) about how it will affect you, since that day, I'd promised myself I'll do my best. This is me, trying my best for you. WHERE ARE YOU? I know. I heard how your father treated you and your siblings.

Remember when I was only 3 or 4 years old, you brought me to,. Oh, I forgot. Then you told me, you won’t be long. You leave me behind – beside the drunken men and strangers. Is it too confidential so you can’t bring me along? Then one of them looked at me and grinned. I was too horrified and I started to cry. Then he came next to me and tried to hold me but I cry even louder. So, one of the lady told him not to bother me and he didn’t. He even said “ko kana tinggal dady ko ka 2?” I cry and cry and cry. At the time you are finally there I am no longer crying. Time majlis anugerah pelajar cemerlang di skola masa sa tahun1-2 pun ko tidak datang. I only get second place but I wanted you to give me yourself the gift you bought for me at that day even it was just a ‘Along’ magazine. I get first place when I was in year 3 and yet you still didn’t come. Those who don’t get any place still brought their parent along to see their performance.

I believe I have hurt you too. Do you know how it feels like when I think no one in the world care for me, that others will just ignore my existence? I have lived for almost 20years and I am no longer that girl. That I have become a person? Some know me and some saw me growing up other than you? That I changed my perspective of ‘family’ because they taught me the meaning of it? The past had come to an end and I am living in the future. I am no longer a child. Don’t…

I don’t ask you to be there whenever I need you. All I need is to know that you are willing to do something for me. At least tell me, ‘give me a phone call when you needed help’.

Ya bah. I shouldn't blame anyone for this. We are living in a world full of sins. So, these things happen. Dalam 1 pokok durian, tidak juga bah semua buah da buruk. ada yang buruk sedang2, ada yang sedap sedang2. ada yang buruk teruk, ada yang sedap gila. The question is what would be the kind of durian I am going to get? So, I decide not to eat durian. This may be stupid. maybe I was wrong. maybe I'll get yang paling sedap. skali yang paling buruk kenen. Che. But, no regret. I've made up my mind. Len kali berbuah juga tu pokok durian. Maybe, next time, I got my gut.

Well, this is my current point of view about 'falling in love'. But maybe someday it will change. People tend to do that kn. Maybe, so do I. MAYBE.

Yet, like I said, my heart are made to love. There are lots of things I need to pour my love onto. Like my new life, my friends, my family, my pets, my books, music, etc etc and the most I wanted to give my heart is to God. At least, those are pleasant things to do. 

Simply me, simply Joanna Maxine

I'm having hard time to define who am I. Well, this is a little bit info about me. I leave the rest for you to think about it.


It's kinda awkward for me when someone gives much attention to me. I'm not born with given much attention. I'm the one who would be chosen when they have no other choice. I'm the one who have lest friend because I'm not good with making new friend. I'm the one who experienced much things by reading rather than experienced itself because I'm a loner. I'm the one who don't have specific characteristic because I do copy-paste because I learned some character attract others attention (but then I stopped because it do me no good. I like being me the way I am). I'm the one who sometimes choose to be alone and watch the world turns around without noticing my existence. I'm the one who afraid of simple a simple matter and somehow it became a nightmare and have no one to share it except for her book. I'm the one who born in a simple life where others just walk in and out just as merely as entering a grocery shop where there are a lot of stuff but none interest you. I'm the one who will get the wrong idea while other talks and look at me, when I heard someone whispering something I don't understand, when someone look at me like dirts are all over my face, when someone just ignore me when they used to talk to me when I met them. So, it's really are awkward when I get a hug from a friend, gifts on my birthday, someone remember my birthday because I'm the one should do that stuff, someone tell me I mean something in their life, someone thank me for being a good friend, someone tell me he likes me - I hardly believe it because it's something unusual, someone told me I'm beautiful because I tend to get bad result when it came about my appearance, someone told me I'm important. Yeahh, it's awkward. really do.

well this is life. We might see a same picture but with a different point of view. I might see a rose as something I wish to had in my garden and you might see a rose as a thorny flower and it's nonesense to have it in your garden. I maybe dislike staring at the blue sky because I'm sensitive to too-much-light and will run tears if I stay staring at it more than 5secs eventhough I deeply in love with the blue sky and you maybe not interested looking at the blue sky because it's none of your interest. You may look at a wonderful scenery and think you feel calm and peace and you like it. I look at a scenery and I take attention into every detail of it that interest me and I thanks God everytimes I've see a stunning view for He gave me eyes to see and mind  to think how much powerful a God is. The world is too big for others to realize a small chance and yet God sees it. If, all the geniuses are combined to be a person, if he ever have a piece of God's mind?
No one can be in someone shoe. We might wear the same shoe but with different sizes, maybe I had a scratch and it's uncomfortable maybe your wear it with a sock when I don't have any to wear. we might walk on the same pathway but with different circumstances. You with your world and me with my world.

'Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul'. Yeahh. so true.

I...

Seeing other been-there-done-that surely give me a huge need to add that in my list! It's' normal to envy other having the life you wish to had. - wish to had! maybe it's kinda too late for me to experience such experience. Well, life must goes on. I do have another vision that I need to fulfil.

Recently, I've been thinking about the times I've wasted - no, not wasted, I prefer unwise usage. I did do something but not the one which is necessary. To think of it, it makes me realize I'm not the girl who used to think life is easy and do daydream, speak than action; the the girl who used to think life is unfair when Mom gives more attention to the others siblings; the girl who used to wish meeting with Prince Charming; the girl  who wish to quit when almost everything betrayed her.

I can't and don't want to be that girl anymore. Mummy I Love You!
We maybe didn't have the chance t have a warm mother-daughter relationship. but I don't blame you or me. maybe, this is how we show each other how much we care. Mum, I care about you.
I'm sorry for being unwise, ignorant, naughty and stubborn child. I'm sorry that I'm incapable to give you A in my examination. I did try, maybe not harder. I do wish to eliminate others assumption about our family. We are not a failure. We can't be. I maybe not a clever girl but I do have determination, a determination which drives me to achieve my goal. My goal for you. Mummy one day. I promise you, one day.

I don't know, I really don't know whether I can accomplish my goal or no but I know for sure, I don't do daydream without action - not anymore. I'm not that girl anymore Mom. Keep this as a promise. I don't mind you give much attention to them and give less and maybe the least for me, I understand. I won't mind. You've been through a hard life and don't mind me. I'll be fine. I know you care - and I do too, a lot. Heard, read this and that you've been through in you recent days give me heartache - heartache which show how much I feel sorry for not knowing it earlier, for not knowing what obstacles (hard one) you've been through in your life, for I should know more, for I feel I don't know you much, for thinking you are brave, unique Mom.
To think of you having even harder (maybe hardest that your current hardest day to provide us LIFE) days for me makes me think I'm a bloodsucker. I don't want to be a bloodsucker. I'm afraid of bloodsuckers.

You maybe don't have any idea of how much I love you Mom. To tell you the truth, you are the reason why I choose to leaves my childhood day and moves on. You are the reason for my goal in life. You are the reason why I choose to let myself get the least attention. You are the reason for me to think it's okay when I feel I'm all alone in this world.
I may not be able to spell L.O.V.E for you or even tell you face to face - for it's a little bit awkward for us because I'm not grown up to do such thing. But I have my own way of saying I LOVE YOU MOM and these text are a sample of it. I do envy other who have a warm relationship with their mother but I won't switch you with any mother that ever lived. Never!

Maybe I'm at the lowest point in life when others see me. But I'm standing up. I'll reach high, as high as possible. For you MOM. For you.

Thank you God for giving me such mother. ^^