Retrospect

Curently listening to The Remedy by Jason Mraz. I don't know why but it keep bothering me lately. I don't know how but just by listening to the opening music it gives out something connected directly penetrate to my heart. The melodies of guitar's string.

The Remedy (The opening)

If he started with ‘d’ note then it should be ‘c’ next. If he used 'g' instead then 'f' will be next. g,f,g,f,g,f,e,f,.a.... but then it doesn't matter. It could start with c/d/e/g/a/b..(suka ati ko) I don't know. I remember laying my head on my desk at classroom and making the song played slowly in my head and making it stuck on the same part - the opening. I would imagine me holding a guitar. I would imagine someone accompany me with the lead while I play the rhythm - someone faceless. But then we played only the opening - my favourite part. What so great about it? You could tell me a hundred millions songs but I bet u pick a song by listening to the opening. 

'Don’t judge a book by its cover' they said. Pathetic. Human are like that. The popular only hang out with their class-what-so-ever and the rest live their life admiring them. You often give someone your 1st impression by their appearance. So do I. but mostly on music. I enjoyed humming a song with a good opening. Not because they are good but I know when time passed as quickly as time do, whenever I heard an opening, I would know what genre of emotion raged out of me. There a few great songs with good opening. - I miss you-blink 182, butterfly fly away-miley cyrus, bubbly-colbie cailat, right here waiting, now and forever-richard marx, im no superman-coldplay, can't take my eyes off you-muse, she will be loved-maroon 5,perfect-simple plan, more than words, the man who can't be moved, relaku pujuk-spider etc etc. . You name it!

My life changed during those periods (2007-2008). Most of my emotion started during that time. Plenty of memories, phrases and emotions occur. friendster, yahoo messenger chat, flash video, o2jam, 'it been a while', ' merry x-mas', guitar, texts, uevoli, prank, cloudy day, music, 2 times missed, wrong person, misunderstood, studied, curiosity, regret, happy, melancholic days, gay days, quotes, idioms, pink roses, a letter for every missed day, too-late, camping, rainy day.. When did I grow up?

 

I remembered rainy night with Bubbly(Colbie Cailat) played. I know exactly which memory I am holding on. But the The Remedy, it's empty - like black-out. None came out. Yet it so dear to me. It’s empty but I know it should be something. Maybe because I closed my eyes so I see nothing. If only the world would stop for a minute - or even 10seconds, I'll take a chance- for me to look back what happened then, so I would open my eyes widely. I will capture it carefully, checked every details so when I gain consciousness I know what memories to hold for The Remedy. I treasure it so much..

In any time, I’m turning 20 (11 days to go). I bet this whole thing happen because of it. yeeeaaaaahh. The time won’t stop and moving forward even faster. Then, let it pass. Let me forget like they do. Help me to remember help me to forget. Because no matter how much I hold back, it passed.

In this stage of life, it then comes to me - the talk that they always tell me "treasure your youth for someday it will come to an end". Back then it just some matter of jokes, jokes that I understand completely and will do so. I did spent it wisely, too much indeed and guess what, you'll never satisfy with what you got! Still, there's something missing. If you decide to do 'b', you'll missed 'a'. If there is a combination of both, you'll missed some a's or b's. - just like set. You just can’t do both. tapi yala. syukur laba kn. daripada dpt c. masa form 3 bukan main lagi saya wish I grow up as soon as possible. tapi skarang I wish it will pass as slowly as possible. terima ja la kenyataan. it wont come back. Nothing I could do. Life itself is scarcely long enough to enable us to find out what it is all about.

Our lives are our struggle for existence. This is my struggle of existence. Beat it or weep it. Life, it's a matter of preference. Do it you way, or don't do it.

“If a thing only exists in order to be graceful, do it gracefully or do not do it..”

All men by nature desire to know. To know why they are here, what life is, where they are going etc etc. Living my life everyday not knowing my purpose of life terrified me, often horrified for I am unequal to its challenges. Again, life is depending on one’s particular vision on how he sees it. It’s a matter of preference. If we seek to find the answers with education, education it is. If we choose to live alone in the jungle, choose to be a misanthropic, do it. And again, it’s a matter of preference. Do it or don’t do it. Beat it or weep it.

“What most people, young or old, want is not merely security or comfort of luxury – although they will be glad to have it. It is the meaning in their lives that is matter”.  If only I have an answer, then I won’t become Lost. I won’t remain lost. I am not lost when I die.

~I want to write more but, it’s 3:50 in the morning. Sleepy. ~~ later!

HAHA

Falling in love is a pleasant thing. Everyone loves the pleasant thing. Pleasant things are things that we like, we desire, we seek to obtain, we attempt to maintain and prolong. People make poets out of it, songs and even express it with touching words, expression and more. Love is something universal. There's no way a love can be define. First you fall in love because she is beautiful. At one point when you deeply in love with her, you still love her when she doesn't look beautiful - in the sense of world regards beauty. Of course, you love her so she always looks beautiful.

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful; the woman looks beautiful because you loved her."

It finally makes sense.

Well, I've been asked lately - lots. Why still single? Mati tu soalan. mimang isu sensitif saya tau. mimang kalu bukan unfren mimang block. Yalah. I stand on reality. No beauty, no qualification (can't cook).yaa.. There are more.

It’s actually depending on how you see it. For me, it's something painful. REALLY. I see people falling in love. Deeply. But then it doesn't make sense to me. It's something blithering idiot. Hey, no offense. It's my point of view.

I saw them exchange gifts "I love you", "I Miss You" and texts, good-night-call and so on. Ya bah. sa pun pernah bersinta bah dulu. sa paam. But then when it came to reality my Mom and some always told me "Mula-mula ja tu hangat. Nanti2 tu teda ah. Skarang ja ko gumbira, nanti bila sudah ada anak, ko rasalah."

So everytime I fantasied a love story (I'm a girl, so it's normal!), I end up quiting it with that quotes. well, it's not a bad things. It do me good - a lot. I am no longer day dreaming. HAHA. *embrassing..

Those words, it robs away my ‘they-live-happily-ever-after’ point/perspective/belief. Maybe, it's true. So I stand on reality. It makes me think 'what happen for with the sweet memories? They just fade away because time passed?' Then, falling in love isn't a pleasant thing at all. It's like eating mango when you got gastric. at first, you really want to have a taste of it. Sampai berliur-liur lagi ko siakan butul tu mangga. You eat it with salts, monosodium glutamate, sugar, chillies and some prefer with soy sauce and even lime (limau ah). Makan,makan sedap ja. Siuk butul rasa. After a while, inda ko. SAKIT GASTRIK. ada yg terlampau sudah gastrik da sampai masuk hospital. ada yang sakit ringan ja. Sampai ko cakap "Sa inda lagi mo makan mangga sampai bila2!"

I saw, read some REALLY romantic love stories. Some do sacrifice, some with I-never-thought-this-happened-to-me. I do envy, but when I think it really, really careful, I can't give my heart to be broken. It's not made to be broken. It's only whether to love or be loved. I know it's something sweet to fall in love. I know I could give my heart to him but I'm a freak.

Why do I avoid when my friends talked about their love life, is because I can't stand them being hurt by it. I somehow make a great distance with some friends just because of it. I never told them that because it's cruel. Cruel to tell them to stop loving him/her when I know how hard it is to do so. I spent three years and counting, wondering when will it finally stop for good. For that, I'm sorry. If you reading this, you'll understand why I do so to you. Not that I hate you or what, but because I care, I love and it hurt me do badly seeing you broke you heart because of him/her. You don't even have any idea how much it hurt me. I spend weeks thinking of you. I want to kick your ass for doing so to me. Hey, live your life. There are more guys/girls waiting for you (which better and perhaps the one for you) out there.

Somehow, this thought eats me. I dislike attend wedding. The words "what would happen 2,3,4, or 5 years in the future? Will they still be married? or at least to each other?" Ya, it's cruel. I should be wishing them 'Live Happyly Ever After", but I just can't denied it bother me. For this 20years, I've seen and heard people got married. Some survive until this day, some doesn't. More and more couple broke up and remarried. What just happen with their former wedding? With the memories they shared? The sacrificed they made just to be together? It just passed? Just like that? That our heart tends to love someone and when you do fight, you just forgot your memories and love someone else? They told me child is a fruits of love. But some clamed ''if I'm not carrying your baby, I shouldn't suffer this much.'' Then why do it? I don't know. I shouldn't have judge. It just, it doesn't make sense to me. REALLY.

I've seen my parent living their life as a couple. And it's not easy. I saw my dad cried, drunk and all I could do is leave him alone. Not I could, I wanted to. He talked to me about it. Maybe he hopes I would say something. How do you think you can face your loved one in such situation? I seldom see my dad cry. So, I just leave. I hold my breath and tears. I shed nothing that night. There are other time when I saw my Mom cried and say 'why did I married him?'. She said he is cruel bla...bla...bla.. If you are in my shoe which side you wanted to believe? Me, Neither.

Not that I blame my dad, but I wish he would treat us better. I shouldn't have complaint. I am no one today if not because of him. But yes, I am complaining because I'm in the middle of hard time and he is no way to be found. He loves his drink than me. WHY? Didn't I just make you proud? I do this because of you. I exclude my own priority just to give you this, as a gift, a 'thank-you-for-the-care.' I know we never had a warm father- daughter. What did I do wrong? I've been thinking of just live my life as simple as possible, no University (I have my own plan). But then when I'd heard the conversation (family) about how it will affect you, since that day, I'd promised myself I'll do my best. This is me, trying my best for you. WHERE ARE YOU? I know. I heard how your father treated you and your siblings.

Remember when I was only 3 or 4 years old, you brought me to,. Oh, I forgot. Then you told me, you won’t be long. You leave me behind – beside the drunken men and strangers. Is it too confidential so you can’t bring me along? Then one of them looked at me and grinned. I was too horrified and I started to cry. Then he came next to me and tried to hold me but I cry even louder. So, one of the lady told him not to bother me and he didn’t. He even said “ko kana tinggal dady ko ka 2?” I cry and cry and cry. At the time you are finally there I am no longer crying. Time majlis anugerah pelajar cemerlang di skola masa sa tahun1-2 pun ko tidak datang. I only get second place but I wanted you to give me yourself the gift you bought for me at that day even it was just a ‘Along’ magazine. I get first place when I was in year 3 and yet you still didn’t come. Those who don’t get any place still brought their parent along to see their performance.

I believe I have hurt you too. Do you know how it feels like when I think no one in the world care for me, that others will just ignore my existence? I have lived for almost 20years and I am no longer that girl. That I have become a person? Some know me and some saw me growing up other than you? That I changed my perspective of ‘family’ because they taught me the meaning of it? The past had come to an end and I am living in the future. I am no longer a child. Don’t…

I don’t ask you to be there whenever I need you. All I need is to know that you are willing to do something for me. At least tell me, ‘give me a phone call when you needed help’.

Ya bah. I shouldn't blame anyone for this. We are living in a world full of sins. So, these things happen. Dalam 1 pokok durian, tidak juga bah semua buah da buruk. ada yang buruk sedang2, ada yang sedap sedang2. ada yang buruk teruk, ada yang sedap gila. The question is what would be the kind of durian I am going to get? So, I decide not to eat durian. This may be stupid. maybe I was wrong. maybe I'll get yang paling sedap. skali yang paling buruk kenen. Che. But, no regret. I've made up my mind. Len kali berbuah juga tu pokok durian. Maybe, next time, I got my gut.

Well, this is my current point of view about 'falling in love'. But maybe someday it will change. People tend to do that kn. Maybe, so do I. MAYBE.

Yet, like I said, my heart are made to love. There are lots of things I need to pour my love onto. Like my new life, my friends, my family, my pets, my books, music, etc etc and the most I wanted to give my heart is to God. At least, those are pleasant things to do.