Monday, October 21, 2013

Battle of life

Monday, October 21, 2013 0

Twas’ one late evening when I suddenly woke up and I almost lost my breath. I keep searching for the reason. Is it because of my dream or maybe because I forgot to do something and I am running out of time? Neither is right. FYI, this is not a foreign for me. I’ve been like this for a while. It happen without any alarm and when it stopped by, it surely does leave a huge hole in me. The worst case I ever have is when all of the sudden I lost control of my own leg. I can barely feel my legs. It happened during my first semester where the freshmen are required to join drill. Every Monday, it will attack me. I went to the clinic and she sent me to someone who consoles me. She asked me to fight it or let the medicine do. And I choose to fight it. Believe me, if it is an easy task I wouldn’t bother to share it with you. And apparently, lately so to say, I get it a lot. I haven’t told my family yet about this. It bothers me a lot thinking that they are worried about me. And you won’t. .
Do you know how it feels when you are not around with any person you knew to calm you down? I keep yelling ‘help’ again and again but never to put it in a word that any human can hear. Yes, I am a loner. I keep distance with people I barely meet. I don’t have bestie in my campus. (I rarely get this when I am home) If you ever see me, you’ll notice the only person I always linger with is Nurshafirah. Why? Because she is the one who have been by my side during I lost control of my own legs and she is the one who catch me before I hit the ground. It will be nicer if I could get some help. Where to seek? I don’t know. What is wrong with me, I am not sure. I just assume I have Panic disorder. Panic disorder is a state when someone has sudden and repeated attacks of fear that last for several minutes and may last longer, which is called as panic attack. Panic attacks are characterized by a fear of disaster or of losing control when there is no real danger. A person may also have a strong physical reaction during a panic attack. It may feel like having a heart attack.
Symptoms including:
1.Sudden and repeated attacks of fear
2.A feeling of being out of control during a panic attack
3.A fear or avoidance of places where panic attacks have occurred in the past
4.Physical symptoms during an attack, such as pounding or racing heart, sweating, breathing problems, weakness or dizziness, feeling hot or a cold chill, tingly or numb hands, chest pain, or stomach pain. *

         The worst of all is handling it alone. So, if someone whoever ever read this, please note that you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, I will be the person. Believe me; it is not pleasant to have this state in front of strangers. I cried every time it came to me. At least crying makes it go away. It really nice to have someone who could just stay by your side during that period of despair. No words required.
To think of it, maybe it is because I am used to keep distance from others. I can’t help it. I love to be alone and the fact that I am not good at making friends. I try but I notice some people need to have something in order for you to step into their circle of life. I wish I have one. Screw my head for thinking too much toward anybody else. If only she could shut up while I am in a conversation with a person instead of her. Most of my time, she is my bestfriend, my worst enemy, my consultant, the one who makes me falls. Sometimes she will tells me that I am pretty but when I confront with a human being she keeps telling me I'm fat. Sometimes she told me I have God by my side but there will be times she told me danger is everywhere waiting for you. 
            If I could get help, would I take it? I don’t know. There are times when I couldn’t afford to control myself and I wish I can take medication but someone told me pills will make it go away but something else will bear the consequences. For example, when you take a paracetamol one of the nerves in your brain will have to release its hand on holding more tasks. I decide to take my own elixir. Not to be taken by consumption but by keeping it in mind. It helps a lot. “This too shall pass.” 
My best medicine is a prayer. Much nicer if added with words of wisdom from the Holy Scripture.

And remember, if there is anything that could heal any illness, it is GOD.


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