Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Simply me, simply Joanna Maxine

Wednesday, April 4, 2012 4

I'm having hard time to define who am I. Well, this is a little bit info about me. I leave the rest for you to think about it.

It's kinda awkward for me when someone gives much attention to me. I'm not born with given much attention. I'm the one who would be chosen when they have no other choice. I'm the one who have lest friend because I'm not good with making new friend. I'm the one who experienced much things by reading rather than experienced itself because I'm a loner. I'm the one who don't have specific characteristic because I do copy-paste because I learned some character attract others attention (but then I stopped because it do me no good. I like being me the way I am). I'm the one who sometimes choose to be alone and watch the world turns around without noticing my existence. I'm the one who afraid of simple a simple matter and somehow it became a nightmare and have no one to share it except for her book. I'm the one who born in a simple life where others just walk in and out just as merely as entering a grocery shop where there are a lot of stuff but none interest you. I'm the one who will get the wrong idea while other talks and look at me, when I heard someone whispering something I don't understand, when someone look at me like dirts are all over my face, when someone just ignore me when they used to talk to me when I met them. So, it's really are awkward when I get a hug from a friend, gifts on my birthday, someone remember my birthday because I'm the one should do that stuff, someone tell me I mean something in their life, someone thank me for being a good friend, someone tell me he likes me - I hardly believe it because it's something unusual, someone told me I'm beautiful because I tend to get bad result when it came about my appearance, someone told me I'm important. Yeahh, it's awkward. really do.

well this is life. We might see a same picture but with a different point of view. I might see a rose as something I wish to had in my garden and you might see a rose as a thorny flower and it's nonesense to have it in your garden. I maybe dislike staring at the blue sky because I'm sensitive to too-much-light and will run tears if I stay staring at it more than 5secs eventhough I deeply in love with the blue sky and you maybe not interested looking at the blue sky because it's none of your interest. You may look at a wonderful scenery and think you feel calm and peace and you like it. I look at a scenery and I take attention into every detail of it that interest me and I thanks God everytimes I've see a stunning view for He gave me eyes to see and mind  to think how much powerful a God is. The world is too big for others to realize a small chance and yet God sees it. If, all the geniuses are combined to be a person, if he ever have a piece of God's mind?
No one can be in someone shoe. We might wear the same shoe but with different sizes, maybe I had a scratch and it's uncomfortable maybe your wear it with a sock when I don't have any to wear. we might walk on the same pathway but with different circumstances. You with your world and me with my world.

'Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul'. Yeahh. so true.


Seeing other been-there-done-that surely give me a huge need to add that in my list! It's' normal to envy other having the life you wish to had. - wish to had! maybe it's kinda too late for me to experience such experience. Well, life must goes on. I do have another vision that I need to fulfil.

Recently, I've been thinking about the times I've wasted - no, not wasted, I prefer unwise usage. I did do something but not the one which is necessary. To think of it, it makes me realize I'm not the girl who used to think life is easy and do daydream, speak than action; the the girl who used to think life is unfair when Mom gives more attention to the others siblings; the girl who used to wish meeting with Prince Charming; the girl  who wish to quit when almost everything betrayed her.

I can't and don't want to be that girl anymore. Mummy I Love You!
We maybe didn't have the chance t have a warm mother-daughter relationship. but I don't blame you or me. maybe, this is how we show each other how much we care. Mum, I care about you.
I'm sorry for being unwise, ignorant, naughty and stubborn child. I'm sorry that I'm incapable to give you A in my examination. I did try, maybe not harder. I do wish to eliminate others assumption about our family. We are not a failure. We can't be. I maybe not a clever girl but I do have determination, a determination which drives me to achieve my goal. My goal for you. Mummy one day. I promise you, one day.

I don't know, I really don't know whether I can accomplish my goal or no but I know for sure, I don't do daydream without action - not anymore. I'm not that girl anymore Mom. Keep this as a promise. I don't mind you give much attention to them and give less and maybe the least for me, I understand. I won't mind. You've been through a hard life and don't mind me. I'll be fine. I know you care - and I do too, a lot. Heard, read this and that you've been through in you recent days give me heartache - heartache which show how much I feel sorry for not knowing it earlier, for not knowing what obstacles (hard one) you've been through in your life, for I should know more, for I feel I don't know you much, for thinking you are brave, unique Mom.
To think of you having even harder (maybe hardest that your current hardest day to provide us LIFE) days for me makes me think I'm a bloodsucker. I don't want to be a bloodsucker. I'm afraid of bloodsuckers.

You maybe don't have any idea of how much I love you Mom. To tell you the truth, you are the reason why I choose to leaves my childhood day and moves on. You are the reason for my goal in life. You are the reason why I choose to let myself get the least attention. You are the reason for me to think it's okay when I feel I'm all alone in this world.
I may not be able to spell L.O.V.E for you or even tell you face to face - for it's a little bit awkward for us because I'm not grown up to do such thing. But I have my own way of saying I LOVE YOU MOM and these text are a sample of it. I do envy other who have a warm relationship with their mother but I won't switch you with any mother that ever lived. Never!

Maybe I'm at the lowest point in life when others see me. But I'm standing up. I'll reach high, as high as possible. For you MOM. For you.

Thank you God for giving me such mother. ^^

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