Thursday, September 20, 2012

Change

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Circumstances changed. Completely changed and yet I remain the same. Still the old me with new perspective. I admit it. I fall in love, I'm in love and he too feels the same. HAHA. awkward. Seriously, I never thought this would happen to me - until today. Everytimes I wake up, I wonder if what happened is just a part of my dream. Luckily it is for real. Our relationship is complicated, at first but then as time passed it finally makes sense. It just me who still can't put all pieces of me in this new situation. How am I suppose accepted it wholly when before I was completely opposite of this stuff? But, love changed everything. ~blush *-*
If I were me before, this will be a joke to laugh out loud. But now, I fall in love, I have to admit that it is true. I don't know how and why, but it just happens. I pray and keep on praying asking for God's advice about this feeling. God answered with His own way.
I asked God if this is something worthwhile to give my heart to, for I am afraid of my former relationship and God give me His answer. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if I give him my heart, he won't break it. But we made our promise to do our best. During these periods, we develop trust which becomes the base of our relationship besides God. I know it is still early to assume anything but time is just a matter of period.
"It's not the one you love the longest, but the one you love deepest; that forever stays in your heart". A friend of mine posted that on Facebook a few days ago. Maybe because of I broke my heart deeply last time; I just don't buy any sweet words. Not that I don't trust him but I just haven't have the gut yet to give my heart to be broken. Nanti okey juga bah ni kan? I love him. I wish he know how much I do. It is really hard to makes others to understand how much I do. I closed my heart for any man for 3 years and this is something new. When a girl does something opposite of what she usually does, she gives part of her life for it. BUtul bah. =( I never wanted to fall in love again. NEVER! It does cross my mind but not this soon. Most of my prayers, I focused of this stuff. God lead me. Here I am now, not regretting the path that I’ve chooses. Whatever happened in the future, bad or good things, I put my trust in God's hand.

Everytime I told him I love him, I give piece by piece of my heart hoping someday I don't have to tell him that word to convince him how much I do.
He just broke up with his former girlfriend which I knew hard for him. 'Us' is something unexpected. The feeling bits by bits eat us both until both of us can't hold it anymore. I blocked my feeling for my own sake. I tried my best to avoid him. I tried my best not to think about him. I tried my best to eliminate the raging emotion in me. I prayed and pray. I remember avoiding him several times. He loves his former ex deeply. He gave her second changes, several changes but she takes it for granted. I know she loves him deeply too. I don't know what happened. How am I supposed to ask him when I know how much it hurt? =( He told me a little bit. He didn't tell me what exactly happened. Entalah. He told me it's about trust. Trully, I feel sorry for her. I too don't wish this to happen. I know how much it hurt. I don't know how, love gives 'us' time and chance to be together. He told me he too prayed much about us. and God show him the way. I don't wish her to understand, to accept 'us' yet, but perhaps someday. I'll pray for her to find another man which worth to give her heart to. I'm so sorry dear. =( A friend of mine advise 'ko kasi terus sija bah hubungan kamu. Memangla saya tau ko faham amacam dia rasa tapi tidak bermaksud ko perlu kasi lepas yang lelaki kan. sudah jadi juga.' butul jugala. Tapi macam sa selfish pula. Entalah. I dunno. Being selfish is not who I am. So mungkin saya begini sebab..... sebab saya sangat teruk broken hearted dulu. Saya baru juga let go sa punya feeling toward my ex a few months ago kan. =( Saya tau la amacam dia rasa. kan bilang "what you don't wish for yourself, do not do to others."
Entalah. Pusing-pusing kepala saya fikir pasal benda-benda macam ne. saya cuma harap sebelum orang lain buat apa2 assumption, saya harap dorang try be in my shoe.
Tidak tahu la. Pa jadi, jadilah. I leave it in God's hand. Saya hanya mampu merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. I'll do my best. =)

5 comments:

ell vera

fall in love with someone is a special gift from JESUS CHRIST..it will never gone as God loves us more than anything...so don't be stress all becouse Love,becouse Love is beautiful that you ever feel..

Joanna Maxine Jm

Thank you Ell. Indeed, it's a gift from God. I'll be fine in time. =)

ell vera

i want you to be my member blog,but i don't know how to friend you..im already join this blogger..hoho

Joanna Maxine Jm

okie. .will surely follow u.. ^^ btw, can u give me ur url??

ell vera

why don't u just give me your url/email..i will follow u..hoho..^^

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