D.O.W.N

If there is anything that is beyond my capabilty to stand  for a load is DEATH. I couldn't face death. I couldn't face the picture. How can you stand on your knees seeing someone that you knew in a box everyone called coffin? I burried cats, dogs and chickens. and some I did shed tears by doing so. Tell me, where did they go? I saw them run freely before and all of the sudden they just gone. Gone like the wind. Another wind came and again they passed. 

Maybe I could face mine. I believe God had set my limit. Yala, sooner or later everything will come to an end. me, you, them. But still, death of my dearest, I couldn't face. I never lost any yet - just few that I knew but not close. So when the day came, I surely don't know what to do. I may collapse, be misantrophic or cries 'till I got no more tears to shed, which is possible on a person like me. The sense of lost will be so desolating that I longed to sleep all day long - maybe a few days still I'm gain my consciousness. I don't know. 

Just to be in their (the remaing member that left by the dead) shoes', no, I couldn't do that. How am I in a appropriate way to claim I'm in their shoe if I never have such experienced. DAMN. What just happen to my morning? 

I curse you soul reaper, I curse you movies lover who take life for granted. Which part of DEATH amused you? 

Happy Birthday Me!^^ (Forever alone)

ayyeerrr.. Me turning 20 isn't a pleasant thing for me. Because, I haven't achieve any yet. =='
sedih brabis tau. I spent my entire 20years,.... mmmm. pa saya buat ah? HAHA. too much! ^^
ada juga bh saya buat. cuma mungkin xdapat accomplish pa yang saya mahu.

BTW, what I do today? I'm not the type of person who celebrates birthday. The last time I celebrate my birthday was for my 6th. That's about 14years ago. None since then. NONE..
 but I'm fine. I don't mind. What's the big deal? I could celebrate it if I want to. IF I want to. but then again, if I wanted to celebrate it, I'd done it during those 14years.

BTW, because I shared the day with someone I knew, I prepared her a gift. ^^

 

This is the picture of me and Lala. She's the one. ^^ 

Cute bh dia.XD

This is what I do just now. HAHA. bida ne saya rasa.macam saya mo buat ba baru.yang lebih kemas.^^

How about the day? Okay bha. Saya tingu TV. saya tingu movie "Arthur(2011)".. Siuk ba. Then I watched Private Practice. Then I just read books. bla bla bla.. nothing interesting. No one to share the happy moment. My brother forgot, my sister almost and my cousin also forgot. I don't mind. It won't gets better if they remembered. Anyway, I got 100+ greetings on facebook. Thank you facebook reminder! During 2010, I hide my birthday, so only 4 persons greeted me. SERIOUSLY. only 4 persons remembered my birthday. But then, today and that day, it has no different. it's the day I get a year older. kanapa la dapat 1000+ greetings. Tida ubah apa2.

Nda pa. At the end of 'my' day, I then get my 1st and probably my last gift. (butul2 forever alone) 

yeah..! Ice-cream. At least my wish did come true. (ice-cream for birthday)

Am I happy? Why not? I'm alive! kan? God loves me. 

What else I wish? 'saya mo jalan2. saya mo buang masa jalan2 sama kawan2, makan2 sama2, ketawa sama2. saya mo kasi lupa yang ne ari, ari jadi sa sbab saya sama2 kawan2 saya. saya mo rasa dapat hadiah. saya mo kana nyanyi happy birthday bukan macam tiap tahun sa nyanyi untuk diri sendiri. saya mo rasa pa orang lain rasa time birthday. saya mo buat party.'

=='

Tapi bila fikir2 balik, sa inda mo hadiah, saya inda mo kana nyanyi sbab pelik bah rasa kana nyanyi. Tidak biasa dapat attention. AWKWARD. jadi itu kana cancel. party pun cancel. (kalu buat party, saya jadi tumpuan) WISH saya yang paling saya harap kana fulfill da, yang jalan-jalan sama spend time with my friends. My friends are my life. I am nothing without them.  Saya bukan mo jalan-jalan sbab mo celebrate birthday saya tapi sbab saya mo ini hari bagi saya memory yang saya akan simpan sampai bila-bila.saya mo ketawa, saya mo rasa taksub dengan ciptaan Tuhan. I wish to watch the sky full of stars or beautiful moon pun buli. 

But then, none came true. Maybe I didn't wish any bah. IYA. I didn't wish any. 

I don't believe in such thing. WISH. I do when I was a little girl. but then I just don't. I grow up. 

why? because everybody do. Where's my friends? They grow up. I'm left alone in Neverland. We used to spend time together but because they decided to grow up, so they got lots of things to do. So, they just forgot. I don't blame anyone. I blame the world, the time, the cruel time. It stoles my friends. I'm left alone in Neverland. ALONE. 

Just like Peter Pan, I'm left alone. I still hold the same me while others grow up. They decide to do this and that and abandon the world we created together. To adapt the new situation, I tried to catch up with them, leaving Neverland behind, still I hold the same me. At one point, you just can't go with the flow and you'd lost. Lost in your own world, wishing and wishing. Until one day, you decide to grow up too. That day, you stopped wishing. No more "I wish, I wish with all my heart to...." 

You looked at a shooting star and said "hey, that's a comet. Do you know......." You looked at a wishing well and said "they threw money. what a waste." You looked at the bright moon and said "mmm. Full moon aye." No longer "I wish, I wish, with all my heart to..."

And today, I feel the emptiness the most. Why, because I'm a year older and where are they? THEY GROW UP. bah. MOVE ON MAXINE^^ 

No longer shits' talk. No longer longing for the time to flew back. No longer dreaming a beautiful dream (even though we should dreamt beautiful for it's only a dream) because you need to stand on reality - at least that's what they'd told you. 

Forgiving is the miracle of love. Ordy forgive but still they won't understand. 

"I miss you my dear friend. I miss the talk. But you grow up. We grow up - in our own way"

Live Your Life (No self-pity)

No matter how hard your life may be, live your life!

Selalu kana cakap macam tu. Saya tabik la urang yang buli cakap sinang ja mo hidup!! Mimang terer gila la tu urang.

A year ago, semua ayam yang Grannie saya ternak sakit. sakit bawa maut. Tinggal 2 survivors lagi. Both hen. A black and red hens. I saw the black one lying under the stair. She makes no movement for about a day and I thought she's dead. Saya suruh Dady saya pi kubur. Saya mo juga tapi penakut ne saya kalu babak mati2.
The question always rage out from my mind,
"what happen to the dead things?" "For God's second coming, they too will rise?" "Where they go? I saw them grow up. Will I forget? Will this pass? Will I ever met them again when I buried them? What will happen to me? How is it to be dead?" etc etc

PELIK

Sambung crita.. Bila Dady saya angkat, bergerak pula. Hidup bah. 2-3 hari kemudian dapat sudah kenen dia  bangun. Miracle! Mo 4hari xmakan tau minum, tapi masih hidup.. kalu saya, enta la. Sakap pun susah! A year later, ne tahun la, they multiply. The black hen rises 3 chickens and the red hen 4 chickens. The black hen kira ketua di area da la. because no rooster kn. She's the tough one, so she's the boss. No other chicken yg bule kacau da makan. Kadang-kadang sa gerigitan juga, tapi bila ingat balik cara da survive, saya tidak jadi buat apa-apa. Unluckily, 1 dari anak da ne kudung. IYA. Hilang 1 kaki da. Kadang bila saya tingu ne ayam, saya pandai terfikir "hebat da ohw. Teda sebelah kaki tapi sa inda sa pena nampak da berhenti bergerak. Jalan-jalan ja kerja da."  Ramai yang kesian kalu nampak ne anak ayam bah. Tadi petang saya kesian nampak da berusaha cari makan, saya bagi da makanan. (Yang hen yg red, pindah rumah. Inda tahan kana belasah oleh yang black hen. KEJAM. *-*) Time-time saya bagi da makan, beliau da sampai da patuk bah ne ayam kudung. PUNYA! ~~

Yang siblings da, uke2 lagi.inda lagi mematuk kalu p makan yang makanan saya bagi. Durang share lagi. ^^
Bila saya nampak mama da patuk ne anak ayam, memang la saya inda buli buat pa2 kan. Ketua bh tu da. Saya rasa macam mo mara pun ada. Tapi bila ingat balik, I can't judge. Who am I to tell it to stop? That the little chicken had lost its left foot and having a hard time to survive and the Mum shouldn't do that?
Saya rasa yang Mama ayam buli dengan megah bah cakap "ko ingat senang ka hidup? ko ingat ko teda kaki sebelah ko patut dapat layanan istimewa? Mama indada hilang mana2 anggota badan tapi Mama hilang sudah semua keluarga yang ada. Itu anggota yang Mama hilang. Jadi Mama pun layak dapat layanan istimewa.Tapi hidup memang susah. Paling inda patutlah ko kasi kesian diri sendiri. Ko inda survive. Ko teda kaki sebelah tapi ko masih juga perlu lari cepat bila ada ular atau biawak kejar ko, kalu inda ko mimang dalam perut dorang. Ko ingat dorang mo berhenti kejar, bagi peluang 100meter baru dorang kejar sebab teda sbalah kaki ko? TEDA. Jangan ko marah Mama kalu Mama layan ko macam ne. Kasi bukti Mama yang ko bukan lemah. Yang ko ne anak Mami."
Maybe those words are the words that encourage that little chick to survive, to keep on running in its life, to keep on walking even if it's hurt, to keep finding food to survive and never stop to let itself die.

PAIN. Pain is the prove that we are alive. I feel the pain of living my life everyday, but at least it indicates I am alive! I feel pain when I fall, when I'm sad, when someone leave me, when someone hurt me, when I saw things I don't like, when I can't have the things I wanted, I feel pain for the unpleasant things macam goodbyes. Banyakla. But, at least I'm alive. I won't feel pain if I'm nothing but a dead person. So pain, thank you. To live but not only with happiness but with the pain itself. For pain teaches more than happiness do. Don't blame God if you in pain. Indeed praise Him for letting you in a pain condition, so you'll be in someone's shoe, so you know how to handle a hard time, so you'll have different life's perspective.

Bila fikir balik, kita ni pun macam tu anak ayam bah. Taruk lagi bah kali. BUTA. yala. butul bah. Tell me, ko nampak amacam yang urang2 di Afrika menderita hidup? Ko nampak amacam durang makan? Ko ada nampak mana-mana binatang yang limpas-limpas depan ko, yang ada anggota badan da hilang and minta makan? Ada mata tapi tidak nampak. YALAH. saya tau. kalau sa nampak pun bukan dapat ubah banyak. A little miracle will do, tapi amacam lagi, I couldn't afford any. What can I do? What can you do? Do you suffer more than the person with a sad face sit next to you one morning when you realize you've just miss the last bus? Do you think you suffer more than the little amputate chicken because it's nothing but a chicken and you a human being whom needs money, someone to cling on and education to survive?
Hidup memang tidak adil! Tapi apa buli buat.

Retrospect

Curently listening to The Remedy by Jason Mraz. I don't know why but it keep bothering me lately. I don't know how but just by listening to the opening music it gives out something connected directly penetrate to my heart. The melodies of guitar's string.

The Remedy (The opening)

If he started with ‘d’ note then it should be ‘c’ next. If he used 'g' instead then 'f' will be next. g,f,g,f,g,f,e,f,.a.... but then it doesn't matter. It could start with c/d/e/g/a/b..(suka ati ko) I don't know. I remember laying my head on my desk at classroom and making the song played slowly in my head and making it stuck on the same part - the opening. I would imagine me holding a guitar. I would imagine someone accompany me with the lead while I play the rhythm - someone faceless. But then we played only the opening - my favourite part. What so great about it? You could tell me a hundred millions songs but I bet u pick a song by listening to the opening. 

'Don’t judge a book by its cover' they said. Pathetic. Human are like that. The popular only hang out with their class-what-so-ever and the rest live their life admiring them. You often give someone your 1st impression by their appearance. So do I. but mostly on music. I enjoyed humming a song with a good opening. Not because they are good but I know when time passed as quickly as time do, whenever I heard an opening, I would know what genre of emotion raged out of me. There a few great songs with good opening. - I miss you-blink 182, butterfly fly away-miley cyrus, bubbly-colbie cailat, right here waiting, now and forever-richard marx, im no superman-coldplay, can't take my eyes off you-muse, she will be loved-maroon 5,perfect-simple plan, more than words, the man who can't be moved, relaku pujuk-spider etc etc. . You name it!

My life changed during those periods (2007-2008). Most of my emotion started during that time. Plenty of memories, phrases and emotions occur. friendster, yahoo messenger chat, flash video, o2jam, 'it been a while', ' merry x-mas', guitar, texts, uevoli, prank, cloudy day, music, 2 times missed, wrong person, misunderstood, studied, curiosity, regret, happy, melancholic days, gay days, quotes, idioms, pink roses, a letter for every missed day, too-late, camping, rainy day.. When did I grow up?

 

I remembered rainy night with Bubbly(Colbie Cailat) played. I know exactly which memory I am holding on. But the The Remedy, it's empty - like black-out. None came out. Yet it so dear to me. It’s empty but I know it should be something. Maybe because I closed my eyes so I see nothing. If only the world would stop for a minute - or even 10seconds, I'll take a chance- for me to look back what happened then, so I would open my eyes widely. I will capture it carefully, checked every details so when I gain consciousness I know what memories to hold for The Remedy. I treasure it so much..

In any time, I’m turning 20 (11 days to go). I bet this whole thing happen because of it. yeeeaaaaahh. The time won’t stop and moving forward even faster. Then, let it pass. Let me forget like they do. Help me to remember help me to forget. Because no matter how much I hold back, it passed.

In this stage of life, it then comes to me - the talk that they always tell me "treasure your youth for someday it will come to an end". Back then it just some matter of jokes, jokes that I understand completely and will do so. I did spent it wisely, too much indeed and guess what, you'll never satisfy with what you got! Still, there's something missing. If you decide to do 'b', you'll missed 'a'. If there is a combination of both, you'll missed some a's or b's. - just like set. You just can’t do both. tapi yala. syukur laba kn. daripada dpt c. masa form 3 bukan main lagi saya wish I grow up as soon as possible. tapi skarang I wish it will pass as slowly as possible. terima ja la kenyataan. it wont come back. Nothing I could do. Life itself is scarcely long enough to enable us to find out what it is all about.

Our lives are our struggle for existence. This is my struggle of existence. Beat it or weep it. Life, it's a matter of preference. Do it you way, or don't do it.

“If a thing only exists in order to be graceful, do it gracefully or do not do it..”

All men by nature desire to know. To know why they are here, what life is, where they are going etc etc. Living my life everyday not knowing my purpose of life terrified me, often horrified for I am unequal to its challenges. Again, life is depending on one’s particular vision on how he sees it. It’s a matter of preference. If we seek to find the answers with education, education it is. If we choose to live alone in the jungle, choose to be a misanthropic, do it. And again, it’s a matter of preference. Do it or don’t do it. Beat it or weep it.

“What most people, young or old, want is not merely security or comfort of luxury – although they will be glad to have it. It is the meaning in their lives that is matter”.  If only I have an answer, then I won’t become Lost. I won’t remain lost. I am not lost when I die.

~I want to write more but, it’s 3:50 in the morning. Sleepy. ~~ later!

HAHA

Falling in love is a pleasant thing. Everyone loves the pleasant thing. Pleasant things are things that we like, we desire, we seek to obtain, we attempt to maintain and prolong. People make poets out of it, songs and even express it with touching words, expression and more. Love is something universal. There's no way a love can be define. First you fall in love because she is beautiful. At one point when you deeply in love with her, you still love her when she doesn't look beautiful - in the sense of world regards beauty. Of course, you love her so she always looks beautiful.

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful; the woman looks beautiful because you loved her."

It finally makes sense.

Well, I've been asked lately - lots. Why still single? Mati tu soalan. mimang isu sensitif saya tau. mimang kalu bukan unfren mimang block. Yalah. I stand on reality. No beauty, no qualification (can't cook).yaa.. There are more.

It’s actually depending on how you see it. For me, it's something painful. REALLY. I see people falling in love. Deeply. But then it doesn't make sense to me. It's something blithering idiot. Hey, no offense. It's my point of view.

I saw them exchange gifts "I love you", "I Miss You" and texts, good-night-call and so on. Ya bah. sa pun pernah bersinta bah dulu. sa paam. But then when it came to reality my Mom and some always told me "Mula-mula ja tu hangat. Nanti2 tu teda ah. Skarang ja ko gumbira, nanti bila sudah ada anak, ko rasalah."

So everytime I fantasied a love story (I'm a girl, so it's normal!), I end up quiting it with that quotes. well, it's not a bad things. It do me good - a lot. I am no longer day dreaming. HAHA. *embrassing..

Those words, it robs away my ‘they-live-happily-ever-after’ point/perspective/belief. Maybe, it's true. So I stand on reality. It makes me think 'what happen for with the sweet memories? They just fade away because time passed?' Then, falling in love isn't a pleasant thing at all. It's like eating mango when you got gastric. at first, you really want to have a taste of it. Sampai berliur-liur lagi ko siakan butul tu mangga. You eat it with salts, monosodium glutamate, sugar, chillies and some prefer with soy sauce and even lime (limau ah). Makan,makan sedap ja. Siuk butul rasa. After a while, inda ko. SAKIT GASTRIK. ada yg terlampau sudah gastrik da sampai masuk hospital. ada yang sakit ringan ja. Sampai ko cakap "Sa inda lagi mo makan mangga sampai bila2!"

I saw, read some REALLY romantic love stories. Some do sacrifice, some with I-never-thought-this-happened-to-me. I do envy, but when I think it really, really careful, I can't give my heart to be broken. It's not made to be broken. It's only whether to love or be loved. I know it's something sweet to fall in love. I know I could give my heart to him but I'm a freak.

Why do I avoid when my friends talked about their love life, is because I can't stand them being hurt by it. I somehow make a great distance with some friends just because of it. I never told them that because it's cruel. Cruel to tell them to stop loving him/her when I know how hard it is to do so. I spent three years and counting, wondering when will it finally stop for good. For that, I'm sorry. If you reading this, you'll understand why I do so to you. Not that I hate you or what, but because I care, I love and it hurt me do badly seeing you broke you heart because of him/her. You don't even have any idea how much it hurt me. I spend weeks thinking of you. I want to kick your ass for doing so to me. Hey, live your life. There are more guys/girls waiting for you (which better and perhaps the one for you) out there.

Somehow, this thought eats me. I dislike attend wedding. The words "what would happen 2,3,4, or 5 years in the future? Will they still be married? or at least to each other?" Ya, it's cruel. I should be wishing them 'Live Happyly Ever After", but I just can't denied it bother me. For this 20years, I've seen and heard people got married. Some survive until this day, some doesn't. More and more couple broke up and remarried. What just happen with their former wedding? With the memories they shared? The sacrificed they made just to be together? It just passed? Just like that? That our heart tends to love someone and when you do fight, you just forgot your memories and love someone else? They told me child is a fruits of love. But some clamed ''if I'm not carrying your baby, I shouldn't suffer this much.'' Then why do it? I don't know. I shouldn't have judge. It just, it doesn't make sense to me. REALLY.

I've seen my parent living their life as a couple. And it's not easy. I saw my dad cried, drunk and all I could do is leave him alone. Not I could, I wanted to. He talked to me about it. Maybe he hopes I would say something. How do you think you can face your loved one in such situation? I seldom see my dad cry. So, I just leave. I hold my breath and tears. I shed nothing that night. There are other time when I saw my Mom cried and say 'why did I married him?'. She said he is cruel bla...bla...bla.. If you are in my shoe which side you wanted to believe? Me, Neither.

Not that I blame my dad, but I wish he would treat us better. I shouldn't have complaint. I am no one today if not because of him. But yes, I am complaining because I'm in the middle of hard time and he is no way to be found. He loves his drink than me. WHY? Didn't I just make you proud? I do this because of you. I exclude my own priority just to give you this, as a gift, a 'thank-you-for-the-care.' I know we never had a warm father- daughter. What did I do wrong? I've been thinking of just live my life as simple as possible, no University (I have my own plan). But then when I'd heard the conversation (family) about how it will affect you, since that day, I'd promised myself I'll do my best. This is me, trying my best for you. WHERE ARE YOU? I know. I heard how your father treated you and your siblings.

Remember when I was only 3 or 4 years old, you brought me to,. Oh, I forgot. Then you told me, you won’t be long. You leave me behind – beside the drunken men and strangers. Is it too confidential so you can’t bring me along? Then one of them looked at me and grinned. I was too horrified and I started to cry. Then he came next to me and tried to hold me but I cry even louder. So, one of the lady told him not to bother me and he didn’t. He even said “ko kana tinggal dady ko ka 2?” I cry and cry and cry. At the time you are finally there I am no longer crying. Time majlis anugerah pelajar cemerlang di skola masa sa tahun1-2 pun ko tidak datang. I only get second place but I wanted you to give me yourself the gift you bought for me at that day even it was just a ‘Along’ magazine. I get first place when I was in year 3 and yet you still didn’t come. Those who don’t get any place still brought their parent along to see their performance.

I believe I have hurt you too. Do you know how it feels like when I think no one in the world care for me, that others will just ignore my existence? I have lived for almost 20years and I am no longer that girl. That I have become a person? Some know me and some saw me growing up other than you? That I changed my perspective of ‘family’ because they taught me the meaning of it? The past had come to an end and I am living in the future. I am no longer a child. Don’t…

I don’t ask you to be there whenever I need you. All I need is to know that you are willing to do something for me. At least tell me, ‘give me a phone call when you needed help’.

Ya bah. I shouldn't blame anyone for this. We are living in a world full of sins. So, these things happen. Dalam 1 pokok durian, tidak juga bah semua buah da buruk. ada yang buruk sedang2, ada yang sedap sedang2. ada yang buruk teruk, ada yang sedap gila. The question is what would be the kind of durian I am going to get? So, I decide not to eat durian. This may be stupid. maybe I was wrong. maybe I'll get yang paling sedap. skali yang paling buruk kenen. Che. But, no regret. I've made up my mind. Len kali berbuah juga tu pokok durian. Maybe, next time, I got my gut.

Well, this is my current point of view about 'falling in love'. But maybe someday it will change. People tend to do that kn. Maybe, so do I. MAYBE.

Yet, like I said, my heart are made to love. There are lots of things I need to pour my love onto. Like my new life, my friends, my family, my pets, my books, music, etc etc and the most I wanted to give my heart is to God. At least, those are pleasant things to do. 

Simply me, simply Joanna Maxine

I'm having hard time to define who am I. Well, this is a little bit info about me. I leave the rest for you to think about it.


It's kinda awkward for me when someone gives much attention to me. I'm not born with given much attention. I'm the one who would be chosen when they have no other choice. I'm the one who have lest friend because I'm not good with making new friend. I'm the one who experienced much things by reading rather than experienced itself because I'm a loner. I'm the one who don't have specific characteristic because I do copy-paste because I learned some character attract others attention (but then I stopped because it do me no good. I like being me the way I am). I'm the one who sometimes choose to be alone and watch the world turns around without noticing my existence. I'm the one who afraid of simple a simple matter and somehow it became a nightmare and have no one to share it except for her book. I'm the one who born in a simple life where others just walk in and out just as merely as entering a grocery shop where there are a lot of stuff but none interest you. I'm the one who will get the wrong idea while other talks and look at me, when I heard someone whispering something I don't understand, when someone look at me like dirts are all over my face, when someone just ignore me when they used to talk to me when I met them. So, it's really are awkward when I get a hug from a friend, gifts on my birthday, someone remember my birthday because I'm the one should do that stuff, someone tell me I mean something in their life, someone thank me for being a good friend, someone tell me he likes me - I hardly believe it because it's something unusual, someone told me I'm beautiful because I tend to get bad result when it came about my appearance, someone told me I'm important. Yeahh, it's awkward. really do.

well this is life. We might see a same picture but with a different point of view. I might see a rose as something I wish to had in my garden and you might see a rose as a thorny flower and it's nonesense to have it in your garden. I maybe dislike staring at the blue sky because I'm sensitive to too-much-light and will run tears if I stay staring at it more than 5secs eventhough I deeply in love with the blue sky and you maybe not interested looking at the blue sky because it's none of your interest. You may look at a wonderful scenery and think you feel calm and peace and you like it. I look at a scenery and I take attention into every detail of it that interest me and I thanks God everytimes I've see a stunning view for He gave me eyes to see and mind  to think how much powerful a God is. The world is too big for others to realize a small chance and yet God sees it. If, all the geniuses are combined to be a person, if he ever have a piece of God's mind?
No one can be in someone shoe. We might wear the same shoe but with different sizes, maybe I had a scratch and it's uncomfortable maybe your wear it with a sock when I don't have any to wear. we might walk on the same pathway but with different circumstances. You with your world and me with my world.

'Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul'. Yeahh. so true.

I...

Seeing other been-there-done-that surely give me a huge need to add that in my list! It's' normal to envy other having the life you wish to had. - wish to had! maybe it's kinda too late for me to experience such experience. Well, life must goes on. I do have another vision that I need to fulfil.

Recently, I've been thinking about the times I've wasted - no, not wasted, I prefer unwise usage. I did do something but not the one which is necessary. To think of it, it makes me realize I'm not the girl who used to think life is easy and do daydream, speak than action; the the girl who used to think life is unfair when Mom gives more attention to the others siblings; the girl who used to wish meeting with Prince Charming; the girl  who wish to quit when almost everything betrayed her.

I can't and don't want to be that girl anymore. Mummy I Love You!
We maybe didn't have the chance t have a warm mother-daughter relationship. but I don't blame you or me. maybe, this is how we show each other how much we care. Mum, I care about you.
I'm sorry for being unwise, ignorant, naughty and stubborn child. I'm sorry that I'm incapable to give you A in my examination. I did try, maybe not harder. I do wish to eliminate others assumption about our family. We are not a failure. We can't be. I maybe not a clever girl but I do have determination, a determination which drives me to achieve my goal. My goal for you. Mummy one day. I promise you, one day.

I don't know, I really don't know whether I can accomplish my goal or no but I know for sure, I don't do daydream without action - not anymore. I'm not that girl anymore Mom. Keep this as a promise. I don't mind you give much attention to them and give less and maybe the least for me, I understand. I won't mind. You've been through a hard life and don't mind me. I'll be fine. I know you care - and I do too, a lot. Heard, read this and that you've been through in you recent days give me heartache - heartache which show how much I feel sorry for not knowing it earlier, for not knowing what obstacles (hard one) you've been through in your life, for I should know more, for I feel I don't know you much, for thinking you are brave, unique Mom.
To think of you having even harder (maybe hardest that your current hardest day to provide us LIFE) days for me makes me think I'm a bloodsucker. I don't want to be a bloodsucker. I'm afraid of bloodsuckers.

You maybe don't have any idea of how much I love you Mom. To tell you the truth, you are the reason why I choose to leaves my childhood day and moves on. You are the reason for my goal in life. You are the reason why I choose to let myself get the least attention. You are the reason for me to think it's okay when I feel I'm all alone in this world.
I may not be able to spell L.O.V.E for you or even tell you face to face - for it's a little bit awkward for us because I'm not grown up to do such thing. But I have my own way of saying I LOVE YOU MOM and these text are a sample of it. I do envy other who have a warm relationship with their mother but I won't switch you with any mother that ever lived. Never!

Maybe I'm at the lowest point in life when others see me. But I'm standing up. I'll reach high, as high as possible. For you MOM. For you.

Thank you God for giving me such mother. ^^