#02

Journey of a thousand miles, must begin with a single step.
~ The past won't represent the future. It just a handbook of how you handle your life before. YOU are now create a new book, new page in your life. to make it interesting, don't do what you've done. NEVER long to look back what you have left behind. There are reasons why you want it to be part of your 'memory'. Everything start with a beginning and end with an end. 

#01

Beat it or weep it! 

~ Live like there's no tomorrow. Do your best in everything you do. Let God handle   
   the rest. If it is yours, yours it is. If not, learn to let go. The hardest thing to learn is 
   to be a good loser. 
And again, life is your struggle of existence. DO it your way, or don't do it. 

Change

Circumstances changed. Completely changed and yet I remain the same. Still the old me with new perspective. I admit it. I fall in love, I'm in love and he too feels the same. HAHA. awkward. Seriously, I never thought this would happen to me - until today. Everytimes I wake up, I wonder if what happened is just a part of my dream. Luckily it is for real. Our relationship is complicated, at first but then as time passed it finally makes sense. It just me who still can't put all pieces of me in this new situation. How am I suppose accepted it wholly when before I was completely opposite of this stuff? But, love changed everything. ~blush *-*

If I were me before, this will be a joke to laugh out loud. But now, I fall in love, I have to admit that it is true. I don't know how and why, but it just happens. I pray and keep on praying asking for God's advice about this feeling. God answered with His own way.

I asked God if this is something worthwhile to give my heart to, for I am afraid of my former relationship and God give me His answer. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if I give him my heart, he won't break it. But we made our promise to do our best. During these periods, we develop trust which becomes the base of our relationship besides God. I know it is still early to assume anything but time is just a matter of period.

"It's not the one you love the longest, but the one you love deepest; that forever stays in your heart". A friend of mine posted that on Facebook a few days ago. Maybe because of I broke my heart deeply last time; I just don't buy any sweet words. Not that I don't trust him but I just haven't have the gut yet to give my heart to be broken. Nanti okey juga bah ni kan? I love him. I wish he know how much I do. It is really hard to makes others to understand how much I do. I closed my heart for any man for 3 years and this is something new. When a girl does something opposite of what she usually does, she gives part of her life for it. BUtul bah. =( I never wanted to fall in love again. NEVER! It does cross my mind but not this soon. Most of my prayers, I focused of this stuff. God lead me. Here I am now, not regretting the path that I’ve chooses. Whatever happened in the future, bad or good things, I put my trust in God's hand.

Everytime I told him I love him, I give piece by piece of my heart hoping someday I don't have to tell him that word to convince him how much I do.

He just broke up with his former girlfriend which I knew hard for him. 'Us' is something unexpected. The feeling bits by bits eat us both until both of us can't hold it anymore. I blocked my feeling for my own sake. I tried my best to avoid him. I tried my best not to think about him. I tried my best to eliminate the raging emotion in me. I prayed and pray. I remember avoiding him several times. He loves his former ex deeply. He gave her second changes, several changes but she takes it for granted. I know she loves him deeply too. I don't know what happened. How am I supposed to ask him when I know how much it hurt? =( He told me a little bit. He didn't tell me what exactly happened. Entalah. He told me it's about trust. Trully, I feel sorry for her. I too don't wish this to happen. I know how much it hurt. I don't know how, love gives 'us' time and chance to be together. He told me he too prayed much about us. and God show him the way. I don't wish her to understand, to accept 'us' yet, but perhaps someday. I'll pray for her to find another man which worth to give her heart to. I'm so sorry dear. =( A friend of mine advise 'ko kasi terus sija bah hubungan kamu. Memangla saya tau ko faham amacam dia rasa tapi tidak bermaksud ko perlu kasi lepas yang lelaki kan. sudah jadi juga.' butul jugala. Tapi macam sa selfish pula. Entalah. I dunno. Being selfish is not who I am. So mungkin saya begini sebab..... sebab saya sangat teruk broken hearted dulu. Saya baru juga let go sa punya feeling toward my ex a few months ago kan. =( Saya tau la amacam dia rasa. kan bilang "what you don't wish for yourself, do not do to others."

Entalah. Pusing-pusing kepala saya fikir pasal benda-benda macam ne. saya cuma harap sebelum orang lain buat apa2 assumption, saya harap dorang try be in my shoe.

Tidak tahu la. Pa jadi, jadilah. I leave it in God's hand. Saya hanya mampu merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. I'll do my best. =)

D.O.W.N

If there is anything that is beyond my capabilty to stand  for a load is DEATH. I couldn't face death. I couldn't face the picture. How can you stand on your knees seeing someone that you knew in a box everyone called coffin? I burried cats, dogs and chickens. and some I did shed tears by doing so. Tell me, where did they go? I saw them run freely before and all of the sudden they just gone. Gone like the wind. Another wind came and again they passed. 

Maybe I could face mine. I believe God had set my limit. Yala, sooner or later everything will come to an end. me, you, them. But still, death of my dearest, I couldn't face. I never lost any yet - just few that I knew but not close. So when the day came, I surely don't know what to do. I may collapse, be misantrophic or cries 'till I got no more tears to shed, which is possible on a person like me. The sense of lost will be so desolating that I longed to sleep all day long - maybe a few days still I'm gain my consciousness. I don't know. 

Just to be in their (the remaing member that left by the dead) shoes', no, I couldn't do that. How am I in a appropriate way to claim I'm in their shoe if I never have such experienced. DAMN. What just happen to my morning? 

I curse you soul reaper, I curse you movies lover who take life for granted. Which part of DEATH amused you? 

Happy Birthday Me!^^ (Forever alone)

ayyeerrr.. Me turning 20 isn't a pleasant thing for me. Because, I haven't achieve any yet. =='
sedih brabis tau. I spent my entire 20years,.... mmmm. pa saya buat ah? HAHA. too much! ^^
ada juga bh saya buat. cuma mungkin xdapat accomplish pa yang saya mahu.

BTW, what I do today? I'm not the type of person who celebrates birthday. The last time I celebrate my birthday was for my 6th. That's about 14years ago. None since then. NONE..
 but I'm fine. I don't mind. What's the big deal? I could celebrate it if I want to. IF I want to. but then again, if I wanted to celebrate it, I'd done it during those 14years.

BTW, because I shared the day with someone I knew, I prepared her a gift. ^^

 

This is the picture of me and Lala. She's the one. ^^ 

Cute bh dia.XD

This is what I do just now. HAHA. bida ne saya rasa.macam saya mo buat ba baru.yang lebih kemas.^^

How about the day? Okay bha. Saya tingu TV. saya tingu movie "Arthur(2011)".. Siuk ba. Then I watched Private Practice. Then I just read books. bla bla bla.. nothing interesting. No one to share the happy moment. My brother forgot, my sister almost and my cousin also forgot. I don't mind. It won't gets better if they remembered. Anyway, I got 100+ greetings on facebook. Thank you facebook reminder! During 2010, I hide my birthday, so only 4 persons greeted me. SERIOUSLY. only 4 persons remembered my birthday. But then, today and that day, it has no different. it's the day I get a year older. kanapa la dapat 1000+ greetings. Tida ubah apa2.

Nda pa. At the end of 'my' day, I then get my 1st and probably my last gift. (butul2 forever alone) 

yeah..! Ice-cream. At least my wish did come true. (ice-cream for birthday)

Am I happy? Why not? I'm alive! kan? God loves me. 

What else I wish? 'saya mo jalan2. saya mo buang masa jalan2 sama kawan2, makan2 sama2, ketawa sama2. saya mo kasi lupa yang ne ari, ari jadi sa sbab saya sama2 kawan2 saya. saya mo rasa dapat hadiah. saya mo kana nyanyi happy birthday bukan macam tiap tahun sa nyanyi untuk diri sendiri. saya mo rasa pa orang lain rasa time birthday. saya mo buat party.'

=='

Tapi bila fikir2 balik, sa inda mo hadiah, saya inda mo kana nyanyi sbab pelik bah rasa kana nyanyi. Tidak biasa dapat attention. AWKWARD. jadi itu kana cancel. party pun cancel. (kalu buat party, saya jadi tumpuan) WISH saya yang paling saya harap kana fulfill da, yang jalan-jalan sama spend time with my friends. My friends are my life. I am nothing without them.  Saya bukan mo jalan-jalan sbab mo celebrate birthday saya tapi sbab saya mo ini hari bagi saya memory yang saya akan simpan sampai bila-bila.saya mo ketawa, saya mo rasa taksub dengan ciptaan Tuhan. I wish to watch the sky full of stars or beautiful moon pun buli. 

But then, none came true. Maybe I didn't wish any bah. IYA. I didn't wish any. 

I don't believe in such thing. WISH. I do when I was a little girl. but then I just don't. I grow up. 

why? because everybody do. Where's my friends? They grow up. I'm left alone in Neverland. We used to spend time together but because they decided to grow up, so they got lots of things to do. So, they just forgot. I don't blame anyone. I blame the world, the time, the cruel time. It stoles my friends. I'm left alone in Neverland. ALONE. 

Just like Peter Pan, I'm left alone. I still hold the same me while others grow up. They decide to do this and that and abandon the world we created together. To adapt the new situation, I tried to catch up with them, leaving Neverland behind, still I hold the same me. At one point, you just can't go with the flow and you'd lost. Lost in your own world, wishing and wishing. Until one day, you decide to grow up too. That day, you stopped wishing. No more "I wish, I wish with all my heart to...." 

You looked at a shooting star and said "hey, that's a comet. Do you know......." You looked at a wishing well and said "they threw money. what a waste." You looked at the bright moon and said "mmm. Full moon aye." No longer "I wish, I wish, with all my heart to..."

And today, I feel the emptiness the most. Why, because I'm a year older and where are they? THEY GROW UP. bah. MOVE ON MAXINE^^ 

No longer shits' talk. No longer longing for the time to flew back. No longer dreaming a beautiful dream (even though we should dreamt beautiful for it's only a dream) because you need to stand on reality - at least that's what they'd told you. 

Forgiving is the miracle of love. Ordy forgive but still they won't understand. 

"I miss you my dear friend. I miss the talk. But you grow up. We grow up - in our own way"

Live Your Life (No self-pity)

No matter how hard your life may be, live your life!

Selalu kana cakap macam tu. Saya tabik la urang yang buli cakap sinang ja mo hidup!! Mimang terer gila la tu urang.

A year ago, semua ayam yang Grannie saya ternak sakit. sakit bawa maut. Tinggal 2 survivors lagi. Both hen. A black and red hens. I saw the black one lying under the stair. She makes no movement for about a day and I thought she's dead. Saya suruh Dady saya pi kubur. Saya mo juga tapi penakut ne saya kalu babak mati2.
The question always rage out from my mind,
"what happen to the dead things?" "For God's second coming, they too will rise?" "Where they go? I saw them grow up. Will I forget? Will this pass? Will I ever met them again when I buried them? What will happen to me? How is it to be dead?" etc etc

PELIK

Sambung crita.. Bila Dady saya angkat, bergerak pula. Hidup bah. 2-3 hari kemudian dapat sudah kenen dia  bangun. Miracle! Mo 4hari xmakan tau minum, tapi masih hidup.. kalu saya, enta la. Sakap pun susah! A year later, ne tahun la, they multiply. The black hen rises 3 chickens and the red hen 4 chickens. The black hen kira ketua di area da la. because no rooster kn. She's the tough one, so she's the boss. No other chicken yg bule kacau da makan. Kadang-kadang sa gerigitan juga, tapi bila ingat balik cara da survive, saya tidak jadi buat apa-apa. Unluckily, 1 dari anak da ne kudung. IYA. Hilang 1 kaki da. Kadang bila saya tingu ne ayam, saya pandai terfikir "hebat da ohw. Teda sebelah kaki tapi sa inda sa pena nampak da berhenti bergerak. Jalan-jalan ja kerja da."  Ramai yang kesian kalu nampak ne anak ayam bah. Tadi petang saya kesian nampak da berusaha cari makan, saya bagi da makanan. (Yang hen yg red, pindah rumah. Inda tahan kana belasah oleh yang black hen. KEJAM. *-*) Time-time saya bagi da makan, beliau da sampai da patuk bah ne ayam kudung. PUNYA! ~~

Yang siblings da, uke2 lagi.inda lagi mematuk kalu p makan yang makanan saya bagi. Durang share lagi. ^^
Bila saya nampak mama da patuk ne anak ayam, memang la saya inda buli buat pa2 kan. Ketua bh tu da. Saya rasa macam mo mara pun ada. Tapi bila ingat balik, I can't judge. Who am I to tell it to stop? That the little chicken had lost its left foot and having a hard time to survive and the Mum shouldn't do that?
Saya rasa yang Mama ayam buli dengan megah bah cakap "ko ingat senang ka hidup? ko ingat ko teda kaki sebelah ko patut dapat layanan istimewa? Mama indada hilang mana2 anggota badan tapi Mama hilang sudah semua keluarga yang ada. Itu anggota yang Mama hilang. Jadi Mama pun layak dapat layanan istimewa.Tapi hidup memang susah. Paling inda patutlah ko kasi kesian diri sendiri. Ko inda survive. Ko teda kaki sebelah tapi ko masih juga perlu lari cepat bila ada ular atau biawak kejar ko, kalu inda ko mimang dalam perut dorang. Ko ingat dorang mo berhenti kejar, bagi peluang 100meter baru dorang kejar sebab teda sbalah kaki ko? TEDA. Jangan ko marah Mama kalu Mama layan ko macam ne. Kasi bukti Mama yang ko bukan lemah. Yang ko ne anak Mami."
Maybe those words are the words that encourage that little chick to survive, to keep on running in its life, to keep on walking even if it's hurt, to keep finding food to survive and never stop to let itself die.

PAIN. Pain is the prove that we are alive. I feel the pain of living my life everyday, but at least it indicates I am alive! I feel pain when I fall, when I'm sad, when someone leave me, when someone hurt me, when I saw things I don't like, when I can't have the things I wanted, I feel pain for the unpleasant things macam goodbyes. Banyakla. But, at least I'm alive. I won't feel pain if I'm nothing but a dead person. So pain, thank you. To live but not only with happiness but with the pain itself. For pain teaches more than happiness do. Don't blame God if you in pain. Indeed praise Him for letting you in a pain condition, so you'll be in someone's shoe, so you know how to handle a hard time, so you'll have different life's perspective.

Bila fikir balik, kita ni pun macam tu anak ayam bah. Taruk lagi bah kali. BUTA. yala. butul bah. Tell me, ko nampak amacam yang urang2 di Afrika menderita hidup? Ko nampak amacam durang makan? Ko ada nampak mana-mana binatang yang limpas-limpas depan ko, yang ada anggota badan da hilang and minta makan? Ada mata tapi tidak nampak. YALAH. saya tau. kalau sa nampak pun bukan dapat ubah banyak. A little miracle will do, tapi amacam lagi, I couldn't afford any. What can I do? What can you do? Do you suffer more than the person with a sad face sit next to you one morning when you realize you've just miss the last bus? Do you think you suffer more than the little amputate chicken because it's nothing but a chicken and you a human being whom needs money, someone to cling on and education to survive?
Hidup memang tidak adil! Tapi apa buli buat.

Retrospect

Curently listening to The Remedy by Jason Mraz. I don't know why but it keep bothering me lately. I don't know how but just by listening to the opening music it gives out something connected directly penetrate to my heart. The melodies of guitar's string.

The Remedy (The opening)

If he started with ‘d’ note then it should be ‘c’ next. If he used 'g' instead then 'f' will be next. g,f,g,f,g,f,e,f,.a.... but then it doesn't matter. It could start with c/d/e/g/a/b..(suka ati ko) I don't know. I remember laying my head on my desk at classroom and making the song played slowly in my head and making it stuck on the same part - the opening. I would imagine me holding a guitar. I would imagine someone accompany me with the lead while I play the rhythm - someone faceless. But then we played only the opening - my favourite part. What so great about it? You could tell me a hundred millions songs but I bet u pick a song by listening to the opening. 

'Don’t judge a book by its cover' they said. Pathetic. Human are like that. The popular only hang out with their class-what-so-ever and the rest live their life admiring them. You often give someone your 1st impression by their appearance. So do I. but mostly on music. I enjoyed humming a song with a good opening. Not because they are good but I know when time passed as quickly as time do, whenever I heard an opening, I would know what genre of emotion raged out of me. There a few great songs with good opening. - I miss you-blink 182, butterfly fly away-miley cyrus, bubbly-colbie cailat, right here waiting, now and forever-richard marx, im no superman-coldplay, can't take my eyes off you-muse, she will be loved-maroon 5,perfect-simple plan, more than words, the man who can't be moved, relaku pujuk-spider etc etc. . You name it!

My life changed during those periods (2007-2008). Most of my emotion started during that time. Plenty of memories, phrases and emotions occur. friendster, yahoo messenger chat, flash video, o2jam, 'it been a while', ' merry x-mas', guitar, texts, uevoli, prank, cloudy day, music, 2 times missed, wrong person, misunderstood, studied, curiosity, regret, happy, melancholic days, gay days, quotes, idioms, pink roses, a letter for every missed day, too-late, camping, rainy day.. When did I grow up?

 

I remembered rainy night with Bubbly(Colbie Cailat) played. I know exactly which memory I am holding on. But the The Remedy, it's empty - like black-out. None came out. Yet it so dear to me. It’s empty but I know it should be something. Maybe because I closed my eyes so I see nothing. If only the world would stop for a minute - or even 10seconds, I'll take a chance- for me to look back what happened then, so I would open my eyes widely. I will capture it carefully, checked every details so when I gain consciousness I know what memories to hold for The Remedy. I treasure it so much..

In any time, I’m turning 20 (11 days to go). I bet this whole thing happen because of it. yeeeaaaaahh. The time won’t stop and moving forward even faster. Then, let it pass. Let me forget like they do. Help me to remember help me to forget. Because no matter how much I hold back, it passed.

In this stage of life, it then comes to me - the talk that they always tell me "treasure your youth for someday it will come to an end". Back then it just some matter of jokes, jokes that I understand completely and will do so. I did spent it wisely, too much indeed and guess what, you'll never satisfy with what you got! Still, there's something missing. If you decide to do 'b', you'll missed 'a'. If there is a combination of both, you'll missed some a's or b's. - just like set. You just can’t do both. tapi yala. syukur laba kn. daripada dpt c. masa form 3 bukan main lagi saya wish I grow up as soon as possible. tapi skarang I wish it will pass as slowly as possible. terima ja la kenyataan. it wont come back. Nothing I could do. Life itself is scarcely long enough to enable us to find out what it is all about.

Our lives are our struggle for existence. This is my struggle of existence. Beat it or weep it. Life, it's a matter of preference. Do it you way, or don't do it.

“If a thing only exists in order to be graceful, do it gracefully or do not do it..”

All men by nature desire to know. To know why they are here, what life is, where they are going etc etc. Living my life everyday not knowing my purpose of life terrified me, often horrified for I am unequal to its challenges. Again, life is depending on one’s particular vision on how he sees it. It’s a matter of preference. If we seek to find the answers with education, education it is. If we choose to live alone in the jungle, choose to be a misanthropic, do it. And again, it’s a matter of preference. Do it or don’t do it. Beat it or weep it.

“What most people, young or old, want is not merely security or comfort of luxury – although they will be glad to have it. It is the meaning in their lives that is matter”.  If only I have an answer, then I won’t become Lost. I won’t remain lost. I am not lost when I die.

~I want to write more but, it’s 3:50 in the morning. Sleepy. ~~ later!