Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Everything seems wrong lately. It didn’t work as I plan. I don’t know what did I do wrong. I’m tired of being wrong. I really wish I can travel through time. I wanted to change things in the past. I wish I could fix it. I wish to have my previous life. I'm happier at that time.But there is nothing I can do to change it. If there's, I'll do anything to grab it. But I won't let myself to falls into such fake hope. It fooled me a few times but not anymore. I’m really am tired. All I want is simply have a better life. Being grown up shows me something I didn’t notice before. First, I’m not good enough to be someone’s friend. I don’t know why they still stick with me until today. I’m horrible. I’m not deserved to have any of them. I hurt their feeling. I cannot repay their kindness. I’m dragging them to my wretched life. I can’t stand seeing them stand in my shoe. What kind of friend am I? I don’t know even know why am I writing something like this. Am I that bad? I want to be their reason to smile even for once. I keep hurting everyone around me. If only I could vanish just like that. I’m not too stupid to commit suicide. What is wrong with me? Every time we spent time together, I do my best to give them the biggest smile. Is that enough? Why can’t I be good to them all the time?
I hate it. I’m sick of feeling mad.
I’m mad because/at
-          their kindness when I have nothing to give in return
-          everything didn’t worked as I planned
-          I can’t control my madness
-          I don’t want to be mad
-          I don’t know who am I (this is totally not me!)
-          I don’t know why am I doing this and that
But most of all, I mad because I hate myself. I hate when I can’t accept something that I shouldn’t wish at the first place. I’m really angry and want to be mad, aggressive, I want to hate those who hurt me, but I can’t. I just can’t. I shouldn’t and I won’t. It’s not me. No point. I’m mad because I’m supposed to be kind. I shouldn’t let jealousy, irritate, grudge, impatience controlled me. I can’t turn into a monster. I’m not!
It is something annoying when I saw someone suffering because of my action. It getting harder when I can’t calm them down can’t come up with a nice word to say. I hate it when I let them down. These entire things upset me!

I remember, lat time when I’m in an unpleasant, horrible, hard time, they lend me their shoulder, spent time with me (until 4 in the morning). They know the right words to say. But until now, I can’t help myself but cry. I let them down. I'm suppose to be fine now. It's not useless. It is something which should help me stand up! I hate to accept that I am weak! I not suppose to be weak! I shouldn’t let this kind of emotion control me.
I’m sick of being me! I’m not even supposed to use “hate”. Ondu taught me that. He said we shouldn’t use that word. It only makes things worse than ever.

But then after a while. . .

-          What am I expected to be? Nobody perfect. I can’t be one and nobody can. I can’t be right all the times. There’s nothing wrong being wrong sometimes. I shouldn’t force myself to do something beyond my abilities. I should practice to be one. I’ll be fine in times.
-          Being good is not made. It should bear in me. I need to try hard to ensure it grow in me. Little by little, someday, it will grow and become a very huge tree. At that time, I won’t worries about losing some of its leaves.
-          I realize that I’m blessed by God and He sends me angels in form of friends. That’s why they know what are the perfect words/ action to help me through my hard time. I got some loving, charming, talented and caring friends. Even I can’t brighten their days; at least I’m someone’s in their life. I can’t inspire them but perhaps I will help them in something.

When I was 13 years old, I’ve watched a Pooh’s movie. One day, Eeyore (the donkey) is upset. He’s unhappy and all of his friends are trying to cheer him up. But none of their plan worked. At last, they asked Eeyore what at least they can do to make him happy. Then he said something like this. “Do nothing but sit by my side. No words require but sit here and watch the sunset with me.” what an answer! There’s a time, all we need is to be alone, to have someone by our side who didn’t try to calm us down but simply comfort our heart by doing nothing. It is something relieving when you have someone by your side when the world walked the other way. Word is just word, but the feeling, the action shows miracles. It is true then! Action speaks louder than words.

I may not wise in handling myself, but I believe that God have plan’s for me. He loves me and wishes I’ll be around in heaven. He wanted to shows me that He gives me choices whether to be good or evil. He wanted me to know that I can turn myself to be someone better (maybe not now but later). He wanted me to be stronger than I am already am. I believe He is trying to show me what life is about, and most of all, He wanted me to know that He loved me. Things may work not as I planned, but I love it when God interrupt and change it to something else. Something unexpected! He will always be there when we need Him and all we have to do is believe in Him and He will show you the way. He can do anything! Anytime, anywhere!
My point is, be positive, think positive. Everything happens for a reason. God never leave. Just because you don't see anything happening, doesn't mean that God isn't working. Never! God is good all the time.



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