Thursday, October 28, 2010

Time Understands Love

Thursday, October 28, 2010 0
Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others......, including Love. One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, "I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you." Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat." Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now." Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, "Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him. Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered. "But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Tuesday, October 26, 2010 0
Everything seems wrong lately. It didn’t work as I plan. I don’t know what did I do wrong. I’m tired of being wrong. I really wish I can travel through time. I wanted to change things in the past. I wish I could fix it. I wish to have my previous life. I'm happier at that time.But there is nothing I can do to change it. If there's, I'll do anything to grab it. But I won't let myself to falls into such fake hope. It fooled me a few times but not anymore. I’m really am tired. All I want is simply have a better life. Being grown up shows me something I didn’t notice before. First, I’m not good enough to be someone’s friend. I don’t know why they still stick with me until today. I’m horrible. I’m not deserved to have any of them. I hurt their feeling. I cannot repay their kindness. I’m dragging them to my wretched life. I can’t stand seeing them stand in my shoe. What kind of friend am I? I don’t know even know why am I writing something like this. Am I that bad? I want to be their reason to smile even for once. I keep hurting everyone around me. If only I could vanish just like that. I’m not too stupid to commit suicide. What is wrong with me? Every time we spent time together, I do my best to give them the biggest smile. Is that enough? Why can’t I be good to them all the time?
I hate it. I’m sick of feeling mad.
I’m mad because/at
-          their kindness when I have nothing to give in return
-          everything didn’t worked as I planned
-          I can’t control my madness
-          I don’t want to be mad
-          I don’t know who am I (this is totally not me!)
-          I don’t know why am I doing this and that
But most of all, I mad because I hate myself. I hate when I can’t accept something that I shouldn’t wish at the first place. I’m really angry and want to be mad, aggressive, I want to hate those who hurt me, but I can’t. I just can’t. I shouldn’t and I won’t. It’s not me. No point. I’m mad because I’m supposed to be kind. I shouldn’t let jealousy, irritate, grudge, impatience controlled me. I can’t turn into a monster. I’m not!
It is something annoying when I saw someone suffering because of my action. It getting harder when I can’t calm them down can’t come up with a nice word to say. I hate it when I let them down. These entire things upset me!

I remember, lat time when I’m in an unpleasant, horrible, hard time, they lend me their shoulder, spent time with me (until 4 in the morning). They know the right words to say. But until now, I can’t help myself but cry. I let them down. I'm suppose to be fine now. It's not useless. It is something which should help me stand up! I hate to accept that I am weak! I not suppose to be weak! I shouldn’t let this kind of emotion control me.
I’m sick of being me! I’m not even supposed to use “hate”. Ondu taught me that. He said we shouldn’t use that word. It only makes things worse than ever.

But then after a while. . .

-          What am I expected to be? Nobody perfect. I can’t be one and nobody can. I can’t be right all the times. There’s nothing wrong being wrong sometimes. I shouldn’t force myself to do something beyond my abilities. I should practice to be one. I’ll be fine in times.
-          Being good is not made. It should bear in me. I need to try hard to ensure it grow in me. Little by little, someday, it will grow and become a very huge tree. At that time, I won’t worries about losing some of its leaves.
-          I realize that I’m blessed by God and He sends me angels in form of friends. That’s why they know what are the perfect words/ action to help me through my hard time. I got some loving, charming, talented and caring friends. Even I can’t brighten their days; at least I’m someone’s in their life. I can’t inspire them but perhaps I will help them in something.

When I was 13 years old, I’ve watched a Pooh’s movie. One day, Eeyore (the donkey) is upset. He’s unhappy and all of his friends are trying to cheer him up. But none of their plan worked. At last, they asked Eeyore what at least they can do to make him happy. Then he said something like this. “Do nothing but sit by my side. No words require but sit here and watch the sunset with me.” what an answer! There’s a time, all we need is to be alone, to have someone by our side who didn’t try to calm us down but simply comfort our heart by doing nothing. It is something relieving when you have someone by your side when the world walked the other way. Word is just word, but the feeling, the action shows miracles. It is true then! Action speaks louder than words.

I may not wise in handling myself, but I believe that God have plan’s for me. He loves me and wishes I’ll be around in heaven. He wanted to shows me that He gives me choices whether to be good or evil. He wanted me to know that I can turn myself to be someone better (maybe not now but later). He wanted me to be stronger than I am already am. I believe He is trying to show me what life is about, and most of all, He wanted me to know that He loved me. Things may work not as I planned, but I love it when God interrupt and change it to something else. Something unexpected! He will always be there when we need Him and all we have to do is believe in Him and He will show you the way. He can do anything! Anytime, anywhere!
My point is, be positive, think positive. Everything happens for a reason. God never leave. Just because you don't see anything happening, doesn't mean that God isn't working. Never! God is good all the time.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

If. .

Wednesday, October 20, 2010 0
sa copy and paste ja ne. .sja. .mo update blog sa.

Boy was following a Girl.

GIRL-why are you folowin me?

BOY -you are very pretty and I think I'm in Love with you!

GIRL-but u haven't met my friend yet.. she is prettier than me and is right behind u.

BOY -looks-there's no one ...

GIRL-if u really loved me you won't have looked behind...

MORAL- True Love is rare... :)

Tree, Leaf n Wind

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal.
I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years.
She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal.
I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left.
Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away
It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree
I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Accident!!(pelik. .~ ~)

Monday, October 11, 2010 0
ne kejadian terjadi kira-kira jam3:30 pagi tadi. saya siok2 tidur,tiba2 ne sa dingar bunyi yg sangat kuat.saya memang sda agak la 2 ada accident. trus sa pg buka pintu sa nampak ada kereta tebalik di sana dekat rumah c Amber. trus ada 1 perempuan(20-30thun) n satu lelaki dlm lingkungan 30 tahun. tu perempuan teriak2 panggil 1 nama. endatau sepa. trus sa heran knpa sa pnya bro inda bangun2 (sa lupa da ne ada masalah pendengaran).trus sa kc bangun da. trus jiran tetangga datang pg membantu. nampaknya ada lg orang di dalam tu kereta. sa sangat terkejut sebab tu perempuan nangis2 lg.trus dalam fikiran saya,ada budak.sebab dia bilang bsuk PMR.trus sa sedih,sa masuk di.inda sanggup tingu. tu perempuan bergaduh lg sama tu lelaki.da tandang2 lg 2 lelaki(mmg tragik).da maki2 lagi.trus 2 lelaki panas..(sa inda jd d kaki5 tingu drg).banyak jiran tetangga tulung tp entah knpa 2 dorang cam tidak d tulung.dorang tingu sija d. trus ada 1 lori datang.kawan yang xcident kali 2.trus dorang mo kc keluar 2 org yg d dalam tp tu perempuan kacau gia. da pigi marah2 2 lelaki,pg tendang2 2 kereta and ckap "biarla ko mati".hu.dasyat.jd da kna bawa jauh2.da kna tarik2 lg ne.kena kc tenang2 lg.semua yg keluar lelaki kecuali isteri abg c Amber ma mum sa.jadi mum sa pg bercakap ma 2 perempuan baru da tenang sikit.trus tetiba ada bisikan d kepala saya yang mengatakan.

"jo,pigi la juga ko takut 2."

trus dengan bodohnya sa menurut kata hati sa and puji diri sendiri.

"Bsar sda ko d.berani suda pigi tingu. . .ehhh gia. .sa terharu. ."

trus sa menuju ke seberang jalan raya. waktu itu,hujan mulai berjatuhan (renyai2 sija koti).angin sempoi2 bertiupan.cuaca menyatakan kesedihan  mereka melihat tragedi ini (yg pling penting mereka menemani sa).sa balik2 batuk tetiba. kali sbab ada bau lain2(drg bilang bau i2 fuel).tp sebenarnya sa thidu i2 bau rokok.(tp ada jga boh.idung sa tsumbat sbab sejuk) .akaka.
skali,sda drg kc keluar lelaki dewasa ba pula (sia2 sja kesedihan sa ne).rupa2nya 2 lelaki suami 2 prmpuan.tu lelaki tetiba merengek ne.kesakitan yg pling sandi da blg. .

"aduh sakit kaki sa. %$^# sa pun sakit". .

da tetiba baring d satu kwasan yang lapang dan bteriakan kesakitan.

trus nun jauh d sana(uisye),kelihatan ada lampu kecemasan.skali sampai,yg tukang tunda kereta ba pula.ingtkn ambulance la.adui bha. .

trus tetiba rengekkan c suami semakin kuat.dia mengaduh kepanasan.menurut info,dia disaluti dengan, da minta my mum go and bring a pail of water,baru da siram 2 urg.tetiba bla sa tingu d tmpt drg b'kumpul,2 lelaki naked sda.
sa d seberang jalan 2.drg d seberang.
sa pun tidak tahu-menahu dingar ja drg bcerita.
kunu drg dr Likas.drg suma mabuk.nta dr Likas kunu drg mabuk ne.sandi2.bule2 smpi d sni baru xcident.
c steve(abg c Amber) mo tulung tp tetiba 2 prmpuan gaduh ma 2 lelaki n tiba2 c Steve pn kena tulak.skit da jatuh dlm lungkang.(ptut drg inda lg tulung).
jd kmi jd penonton sija.trus tetiba 2 prmpuan marah 2 suami(nta pa jd),trus da jln pg menenangkan diri.trus yg kwn2 da tnya,
"jd kc biar ka ne?"
dia blg
"biar 2".
trus yg nek lori,drg jln.enta pg mna d 2.
trus drg angkat yg suami trus drg nek yg kereta penunda pg d hospital.
inda lma,dtg sda balik 2 lori.mcm drg dr hsptl.nta la boh. .
trus sa inda tau pa role sa d sana.
jda sa pulang d.
 smpi d bilik sa ckp ma diri sa sndiri

"ui.ko masih budak2 ko ingat pg tingu 2.(xmo mengakui diri sda bsar)"

sa tingu jam,jam4siang sda. .wakaka
sa mo tidur,tp balik2 sa ingat mo bikin skrip untuk blog.
sampai inda sa tetidur.
jd sa tiada pilihan lain selain buat skrip.sedar x sedar,jam5 sda.jd sa tidur inda ba tetidur.dkt2 jam6,bru sa terlena.
skali,sa nokoloboi..jam9 sda sa bgn..cis. .
sia2.xda pa2 sa dpt.bgs sa smbung tdr 2 kn??
n yg pling sandi,i2 skrip sa ilang..indatau p mana.(kali sa mimpi 2 bikin skrip). .
indatau la. .BINGUNG!!
yg pling nda best,sa SELESMA sbab i2!!
pa pun. .pelik pla ne 2lis gini. .rupa2ny sa ne petah bkata2 sija.menulis inda pndai.ptut inda dpt A BM.huhu

abis sda d!!


Saturday, October 9, 2010


Saturday, October 9, 2010 0
Yesterday, at church when we are singing, a bee (with caterpillar in its ‘hand’) came and ‘disturbs’ Marcella. She hates caterpillar (hate is not right. I prefer to call it ‘phobia’). So, I ‘hit’ the bee with LPMI and the caterpillar fall at the window. He looks weak and I bet he’s in shock because he is nearby been eaten by a bee. So, I put him on my booklet (Does God Exist) and bring him outside and put him down in a safer place. Hopefully he won’t be serving as lunch anymore. I save a caterpillar’s life! And it was amazing. Why not? I make a difference. I may not save caterpillar’s life often, but still I make a different for the caterpillar I’d save yesterday. I save a life! Who know the caterpillar will turn into a very beautiful butterfly and inspire someone’s life. Nobody, right?

So, from now on, start saving life. Who know someday they’ll do the same. 

Friday, October 8, 2010

Sabbath Sharing

Friday, October 8, 2010 0
Here is a story that I would like to share with you this Sabbath. I copied it. I hope you'll enjoyed it.

Is There Anyone Else Out There?

One day, a young man decided to take a hike in the mountains. Planning on camping out, he carried with him an overstuffed backpack. As the afternoon turned into dusk, he stood at the edge of a cliff to watch the setting sun. Stumbling, he found himself tumbling down into the ravine. Reaching out desperately, the hapless hiker managed to grab a branch growing out of the side of the cliff. Barely hanging on, he screamed into the darkness "Help!! Help! Anyone out there?" The weight of his backpack threatened to send him toppling backwards; and as he clung tightly to the branch with both hands, he was unable to loosen the burden on his back.
With a crack of thunder, a deep voice filled the night air. "I can save you!" The man looked around, couldn't see anyone. Confused, he asked, "Who is this?" The voice replied, "This is God". Taken aback, the man asked, "Can you help me?" "Yes," God replied. "Let go of the branch". The man was silent for a time, and held on to the weakening branch, calling out again, "Is there anyone else out there?"
In times of uncertainty and chaos, it is natural to cling to the first thing we can grab onto and hold on fast. Like the man in this old tale, we often wrongly place our trust in something or someone that will eventually fail as our flimsy handhold was never designed to bear the full weight of our burden for long. In our blind panic, we often set aside rationality and blindly ignore the tell-tell signs that our makeshift supports are beginning to crumble.
God asks us to do a difficult thing at such times. In his wisdom, he knows that eventually our 'branch' will fail us and we will tumble down into the abyss, taking that branch along with us. He answers our timid plea, "Is there anyone else there?" with a simple request. "Let go." With a firm assurance that if we let go of our own self-sufficiency and unhealthy co dependence on others, God knows that he is more than able to carry us, no matter how heavy the weight we carry upon our shoulders.
Is it time for you to let go of the spindly branch on which you have inappropriately placed your trust? Is it time for you to take God at his word and step out in obedience to His Word?

Lets be inspired by His wonderful work. Happy Sabbath.God bless you!^^


Yesterday, the buffalo’s catcher came (I don’t know whether they got specific name). They’ve caught one and tie it on a tree. But it didn’t trying to run away not even struggling to do so. I feel amazed. I don’t know why they want that buffalo. I went home and have a chat with my grandma.

She started telling stories. .

“When I was young, when I’m about to do rubber tapping, a baby buffalo come and lick my hand. Then I pat him way from to tail. He didn’t resist. From that day, he followed me around. When he grows a little bit larger, I let your uncle to take care of him. Until one day, he tied the buffalo on a tree. A week later, I’m curious and anxious because I haven’t seen that buffalo ever since he tie him. I asked him whether he did untie the buffalo. He says nothing. I went to the tree and saw the buffalo. He didn’t make any movement. The rope is all around his neck. I found him dead. It really broke my heart.”

I bet that buffalo are important to her. Maybe his absence cheers up her life.
She continued her story.

“There’s a time when the biggest buffalo that we got gone missing. I asked your grandpa whether he knew something. It’s really annoying when he says nothing. I found out, he sold the buffalo without even asking or telling me about it. It hurts me too.”

I don’t know what the perfect word to respond toward her stories. These buffalo are something to her life.
It’s really weird accepting that human and animal can have such a great connections. Relationships that even human are incapable to ignore. I know how much it hurts when we lost someone but not on an animal. But I bet she hurts so much. Her face shows. We never know how much it is, I guess.

Well, that is not my point.
When I’m still in kindergarten, when I went home (it’s just across the street) I saw my brother feeding the buffaloes. I don’t know what got into his head, with his ‘pride’ he hold the buffalo’s torn and say “tingu bah sa pigang ne tanduk karabau”. Then the buffalo let go of his torn and ‘hit’ my bro with his torn. He fall and started to cry. My grandma takes him away and ‘give him a lesson’. He didn’t stop crying and complaining he’s in pain. She ends up giving him panadol. It was really funny. I laugh until I hurt my stomach. He never does that again. I think he got his lesson.hahahahaha

One thing that reminds me of buffalo is whenever I fed them, the give me a smile in return. I’m not lying. They really did. Their smiles are really funny. But, I can’t deny, they got a very beautiful eyes. Their baby is cute. Small and ‘fat’. I know it sound crazy, but they are!!
My grandma told me before, the buffalo aren’t afraid of you, if you just want to pass through them. They pretend you are not around and even give you a smile. I remembered, one night, (between 2-5 years ago), it’s Friday night, me and my friend (Amber, Ann, Lynda, Max, Mitchell, Eka and Ronald), are about to go a place where we use to watch for stars, and it is a field (use to), then I brings candle along, for building a fire to ‘scare’ the buffalo and mosquitoes away (why haven’t I thought to bring matches instead of candle). We are about to pass through some bunch of buffaloes and they started to run away. What did I do wrong? We are in shock and I guess the buffaloes too and we do run too (to opposite direction of course). Then I heard Amber called me. I thought that she is worrying about my safety because I’m at front. But guess what. She said “Jo..Jo, jaga terpadam tu candle). I stop running and started to laugh. And so do them. I don’t know what makes them laugh, but me, I laugh because of Amber’s saying.xD

There’s times when my cousins are still ‘young’ (Shanti, Tracy and Pamela), they have a chance to ride on the buffalo. But the funny part is they’ve been chase by buffalo once. And ever since that day, they never went nearer to that creature. (I never had such as their experience, but didn’t even have a thought to have some).

My point is, when did the connection, relationship of human and animal especially buffalo stopped? When did they go wild again? Aren’t they used to be friendly?

I think the connection lost when world start to change. The buffalo didn’t. The human didn’t. The world ‘cut’ their special connection.
What kind of world I’m living with?

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