#02 (cont)

#05

#04

#06

Have you ever stop for a while, in your busy days how is it to be someone else? Since I was a little girl, I always have a thought in my mind how is it to be someone else. Weirdly, it is not the healthy, richer person I would like to know, but the poorer, those who doesn't have any shoe to wear, those who have many stories to tell but have no one to listen to and mostly on how is it to be in a crowd of people who never understand how is it to be poor. Well, mostly, my thoughts are referring my life which I feel ashamed to admit. I may have shoe to wear but I don't have cell phone for texting. I may have friends, plenty of them to tell parts of my stories but I loss someone who understand much of my point of view. I may live in a world which are surrounded by poor people, like me, but then I am lost in the world of crowded people that sometimes I forgot how is to be grateful with what I have. 

Why is it we wanted to be someone else? Since I was little, troubles mostly I have is to be able to communicate, to make new friends. So, I learn that some actions, acts attract friends. If you are friendly, you'll get friend, you won't be alone. If you do jokes, some will prefer to spend time with you. If you are clever, some would like you to work with them in a group. If you are pretty more people will come to your life. Be popular and you have a great life. 

Here I am now, 20 years old, looking back for many years I had lived my life trying to be someone else. Why is it? I might say "an adaption towards the surrounding's flexibility." or is because I am ashamed of who am I inside, my background?  I wanted to do jokes so you would like to read my blog, I wanted to post something that attract more reader. But then I learn, it is not your content mostly that attract more reader but how popular you are among people. I've read some none sense blog about a girl telling what she do all day long and hell yes she got hundreds of readers eventhough she is just posting "Today I eat apple pie for breakfast... bla bla bla..bla bla bla.."  And yes, she is one beautiful girl. That influences too. There are some requirement you need to fulfilled to makes you able to get more reader. Mine? I have nothing. I have much thoughts in my mind. My thought don't attract other. So, I am writing for myself. BE ME, BE LONELY. I am reading my own blog because none will do. 

Am I offense? Do I feel sad? HELL NO! Do you think I don't feel glad that I am alone, lonely? This is how I live my life, and I like it. I do interfere with others. I have many friends whom I love so much! And be in a social life doesn't mean you don't feel lonely and alone. There's a time when even you are surrounded by people, you still feel alone, lonely. One great thing about me turning 20 is, I learn, be someone else doesn't mean everything will change the way you wanted it to be. I then find out, it is because I, be me, myself, I had a chance - a chance that I never planned - to be in a relationship with him. It is me being me that attract him to get to know me more. Being with him changes a lot of my perspectives towards life. "Live is your struggle of existence. Do it your way or don't do it."  

What is your first assumption regarding this picture? The man is using his wife's as a scarecrow? How about the man choose it because he feels alone, working all day long in his farm, whose wife is busy in their house which is mile away. By doing so, then he won't feel too lonely, and fell save (yala, ada isteri yang 'garang' jaga tanaman.kompom lari burung n yang pencuri pun takut tingu urang-urang yang ko buat). HAHA.  Who knows kn? It could be that way. 

My point, don't just jump into conclusion. What is custom to you might mean something else to others. Stop for a while and be empathize not by your thought but how others' feel. 

Jam 5 am suda! Bubye.. ~~

#3

I may not be The BEST, but I'll do My BEST
~ I could study like hell and end up hell. HAHA. JK. Student's life, studying like hell - or at least that is how I describe "HELL". My course may not be as good as yours but what choice do I have left? Doing my best is the only option left. A little opportunities is better than none at all. Opportunity is everywhere. Kadang-kadang bila saya study, saya rasa saya macam budak2 pandai. Tapi kenyataan. #sedihnya kehidupan.

#02

Journey of a thousand miles, must begin with a single step.
~ The past won't represent the future. It just a handbook of how you handle your life before. YOU are now create a new book, new page in your life. to make it interesting, don't do what you've done. NEVER long to look back what you have left behind. There are reasons why you want it to be part of your 'memory'. Everything start with a beginning and end with an end. 

#01

Beat it or weep it! 

~ Live like there's no tomorrow. Do your best in everything you do. Let God handle   
   the rest. If it is yours, yours it is. If not, learn to let go. The hardest thing to learn is 
   to be a good loser. 
And again, life is your struggle of existence. DO it your way, or don't do it. 

Change

Circumstances changed. Completely changed and yet I remain the same. Still the old me with new perspective. I admit it. I fall in love, I'm in love and he too feels the same. HAHA. awkward. Seriously, I never thought this would happen to me - until today. Everytimes I wake up, I wonder if what happened is just a part of my dream. Luckily it is for real. Our relationship is complicated, at first but then as time passed it finally makes sense. It just me who still can't put all pieces of me in this new situation. How am I suppose accepted it wholly when before I was completely opposite of this stuff? But, love changed everything. ~blush *-*

If I were me before, this will be a joke to laugh out loud. But now, I fall in love, I have to admit that it is true. I don't know how and why, but it just happens. I pray and keep on praying asking for God's advice about this feeling. God answered with His own way.

I asked God if this is something worthwhile to give my heart to, for I am afraid of my former relationship and God give me His answer. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if I give him my heart, he won't break it. But we made our promise to do our best. During these periods, we develop trust which becomes the base of our relationship besides God. I know it is still early to assume anything but time is just a matter of period.

"It's not the one you love the longest, but the one you love deepest; that forever stays in your heart". A friend of mine posted that on Facebook a few days ago. Maybe because of I broke my heart deeply last time; I just don't buy any sweet words. Not that I don't trust him but I just haven't have the gut yet to give my heart to be broken. Nanti okey juga bah ni kan? I love him. I wish he know how much I do. It is really hard to makes others to understand how much I do. I closed my heart for any man for 3 years and this is something new. When a girl does something opposite of what she usually does, she gives part of her life for it. BUtul bah. =( I never wanted to fall in love again. NEVER! It does cross my mind but not this soon. Most of my prayers, I focused of this stuff. God lead me. Here I am now, not regretting the path that I’ve chooses. Whatever happened in the future, bad or good things, I put my trust in God's hand.

Everytime I told him I love him, I give piece by piece of my heart hoping someday I don't have to tell him that word to convince him how much I do.

He just broke up with his former girlfriend which I knew hard for him. 'Us' is something unexpected. The feeling bits by bits eat us both until both of us can't hold it anymore. I blocked my feeling for my own sake. I tried my best to avoid him. I tried my best not to think about him. I tried my best to eliminate the raging emotion in me. I prayed and pray. I remember avoiding him several times. He loves his former ex deeply. He gave her second changes, several changes but she takes it for granted. I know she loves him deeply too. I don't know what happened. How am I supposed to ask him when I know how much it hurt? =( He told me a little bit. He didn't tell me what exactly happened. Entalah. He told me it's about trust. Trully, I feel sorry for her. I too don't wish this to happen. I know how much it hurt. I don't know how, love gives 'us' time and chance to be together. He told me he too prayed much about us. and God show him the way. I don't wish her to understand, to accept 'us' yet, but perhaps someday. I'll pray for her to find another man which worth to give her heart to. I'm so sorry dear. =( A friend of mine advise 'ko kasi terus sija bah hubungan kamu. Memangla saya tau ko faham amacam dia rasa tapi tidak bermaksud ko perlu kasi lepas yang lelaki kan. sudah jadi juga.' butul jugala. Tapi macam sa selfish pula. Entalah. I dunno. Being selfish is not who I am. So mungkin saya begini sebab..... sebab saya sangat teruk broken hearted dulu. Saya baru juga let go sa punya feeling toward my ex a few months ago kan. =( Saya tau la amacam dia rasa. kan bilang "what you don't wish for yourself, do not do to others."

Entalah. Pusing-pusing kepala saya fikir pasal benda-benda macam ne. saya cuma harap sebelum orang lain buat apa2 assumption, saya harap dorang try be in my shoe.

Tidak tahu la. Pa jadi, jadilah. I leave it in God's hand. Saya hanya mampu merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. I'll do my best. =)

D.O.W.N

If there is anything that is beyond my capabilty to stand  for a load is DEATH. I couldn't face death. I couldn't face the picture. How can you stand on your knees seeing someone that you knew in a box everyone called coffin? I burried cats, dogs and chickens. and some I did shed tears by doing so. Tell me, where did they go? I saw them run freely before and all of the sudden they just gone. Gone like the wind. Another wind came and again they passed. 

Maybe I could face mine. I believe God had set my limit. Yala, sooner or later everything will come to an end. me, you, them. But still, death of my dearest, I couldn't face. I never lost any yet - just few that I knew but not close. So when the day came, I surely don't know what to do. I may collapse, be misantrophic or cries 'till I got no more tears to shed, which is possible on a person like me. The sense of lost will be so desolating that I longed to sleep all day long - maybe a few days still I'm gain my consciousness. I don't know. 

Just to be in their (the remaing member that left by the dead) shoes', no, I couldn't do that. How am I in a appropriate way to claim I'm in their shoe if I never have such experienced. DAMN. What just happen to my morning? 

I curse you soul reaper, I curse you movies lover who take life for granted. Which part of DEATH amused you? 

Happy Birthday Me!^^ (Forever alone)

ayyeerrr.. Me turning 20 isn't a pleasant thing for me. Because, I haven't achieve any yet. =='
sedih brabis tau. I spent my entire 20years,.... mmmm. pa saya buat ah? HAHA. too much! ^^
ada juga bh saya buat. cuma mungkin xdapat accomplish pa yang saya mahu.

BTW, what I do today? I'm not the type of person who celebrates birthday. The last time I celebrate my birthday was for my 6th. That's about 14years ago. None since then. NONE..
 but I'm fine. I don't mind. What's the big deal? I could celebrate it if I want to. IF I want to. but then again, if I wanted to celebrate it, I'd done it during those 14years.

BTW, because I shared the day with someone I knew, I prepared her a gift. ^^

 

This is the picture of me and Lala. She's the one. ^^ 

Cute bh dia.XD

This is what I do just now. HAHA. bida ne saya rasa.macam saya mo buat ba baru.yang lebih kemas.^^

How about the day? Okay bha. Saya tingu TV. saya tingu movie "Arthur(2011)".. Siuk ba. Then I watched Private Practice. Then I just read books. bla bla bla.. nothing interesting. No one to share the happy moment. My brother forgot, my sister almost and my cousin also forgot. I don't mind. It won't gets better if they remembered. Anyway, I got 100+ greetings on facebook. Thank you facebook reminder! During 2010, I hide my birthday, so only 4 persons greeted me. SERIOUSLY. only 4 persons remembered my birthday. But then, today and that day, it has no different. it's the day I get a year older. kanapa la dapat 1000+ greetings. Tida ubah apa2.

Nda pa. At the end of 'my' day, I then get my 1st and probably my last gift. (butul2 forever alone) 

yeah..! Ice-cream. At least my wish did come true. (ice-cream for birthday)

Am I happy? Why not? I'm alive! kan? God loves me. 

What else I wish? 'saya mo jalan2. saya mo buang masa jalan2 sama kawan2, makan2 sama2, ketawa sama2. saya mo kasi lupa yang ne ari, ari jadi sa sbab saya sama2 kawan2 saya. saya mo rasa dapat hadiah. saya mo kana nyanyi happy birthday bukan macam tiap tahun sa nyanyi untuk diri sendiri. saya mo rasa pa orang lain rasa time birthday. saya mo buat party.'

=='

Tapi bila fikir2 balik, sa inda mo hadiah, saya inda mo kana nyanyi sbab pelik bah rasa kana nyanyi. Tidak biasa dapat attention. AWKWARD. jadi itu kana cancel. party pun cancel. (kalu buat party, saya jadi tumpuan) WISH saya yang paling saya harap kana fulfill da, yang jalan-jalan sama spend time with my friends. My friends are my life. I am nothing without them.  Saya bukan mo jalan-jalan sbab mo celebrate birthday saya tapi sbab saya mo ini hari bagi saya memory yang saya akan simpan sampai bila-bila.saya mo ketawa, saya mo rasa taksub dengan ciptaan Tuhan. I wish to watch the sky full of stars or beautiful moon pun buli. 

But then, none came true. Maybe I didn't wish any bah. IYA. I didn't wish any. 

I don't believe in such thing. WISH. I do when I was a little girl. but then I just don't. I grow up. 

why? because everybody do. Where's my friends? They grow up. I'm left alone in Neverland. We used to spend time together but because they decided to grow up, so they got lots of things to do. So, they just forgot. I don't blame anyone. I blame the world, the time, the cruel time. It stoles my friends. I'm left alone in Neverland. ALONE. 

Just like Peter Pan, I'm left alone. I still hold the same me while others grow up. They decide to do this and that and abandon the world we created together. To adapt the new situation, I tried to catch up with them, leaving Neverland behind, still I hold the same me. At one point, you just can't go with the flow and you'd lost. Lost in your own world, wishing and wishing. Until one day, you decide to grow up too. That day, you stopped wishing. No more "I wish, I wish with all my heart to...." 

You looked at a shooting star and said "hey, that's a comet. Do you know......." You looked at a wishing well and said "they threw money. what a waste." You looked at the bright moon and said "mmm. Full moon aye." No longer "I wish, I wish, with all my heart to..."

And today, I feel the emptiness the most. Why, because I'm a year older and where are they? THEY GROW UP. bah. MOVE ON MAXINE^^ 

No longer shits' talk. No longer longing for the time to flew back. No longer dreaming a beautiful dream (even though we should dreamt beautiful for it's only a dream) because you need to stand on reality - at least that's what they'd told you. 

Forgiving is the miracle of love. Ordy forgive but still they won't understand. 

"I miss you my dear friend. I miss the talk. But you grow up. We grow up - in our own way"

Live Your Life (No self-pity)

No matter how hard your life may be, live your life!

Selalu kana cakap macam tu. Saya tabik la urang yang buli cakap sinang ja mo hidup!! Mimang terer gila la tu urang.

A year ago, semua ayam yang Grannie saya ternak sakit. sakit bawa maut. Tinggal 2 survivors lagi. Both hen. A black and red hens. I saw the black one lying under the stair. She makes no movement for about a day and I thought she's dead. Saya suruh Dady saya pi kubur. Saya mo juga tapi penakut ne saya kalu babak mati2.
The question always rage out from my mind,
"what happen to the dead things?" "For God's second coming, they too will rise?" "Where they go? I saw them grow up. Will I forget? Will this pass? Will I ever met them again when I buried them? What will happen to me? How is it to be dead?" etc etc

PELIK

Sambung crita.. Bila Dady saya angkat, bergerak pula. Hidup bah. 2-3 hari kemudian dapat sudah kenen dia  bangun. Miracle! Mo 4hari xmakan tau minum, tapi masih hidup.. kalu saya, enta la. Sakap pun susah! A year later, ne tahun la, they multiply. The black hen rises 3 chickens and the red hen 4 chickens. The black hen kira ketua di area da la. because no rooster kn. She's the tough one, so she's the boss. No other chicken yg bule kacau da makan. Kadang-kadang sa gerigitan juga, tapi bila ingat balik cara da survive, saya tidak jadi buat apa-apa. Unluckily, 1 dari anak da ne kudung. IYA. Hilang 1 kaki da. Kadang bila saya tingu ne ayam, saya pandai terfikir "hebat da ohw. Teda sebelah kaki tapi sa inda sa pena nampak da berhenti bergerak. Jalan-jalan ja kerja da."  Ramai yang kesian kalu nampak ne anak ayam bah. Tadi petang saya kesian nampak da berusaha cari makan, saya bagi da makanan. (Yang hen yg red, pindah rumah. Inda tahan kana belasah oleh yang black hen. KEJAM. *-*) Time-time saya bagi da makan, beliau da sampai da patuk bah ne ayam kudung. PUNYA! ~~

Yang siblings da, uke2 lagi.inda lagi mematuk kalu p makan yang makanan saya bagi. Durang share lagi. ^^
Bila saya nampak mama da patuk ne anak ayam, memang la saya inda buli buat pa2 kan. Ketua bh tu da. Saya rasa macam mo mara pun ada. Tapi bila ingat balik, I can't judge. Who am I to tell it to stop? That the little chicken had lost its left foot and having a hard time to survive and the Mum shouldn't do that?
Saya rasa yang Mama ayam buli dengan megah bah cakap "ko ingat senang ka hidup? ko ingat ko teda kaki sebelah ko patut dapat layanan istimewa? Mama indada hilang mana2 anggota badan tapi Mama hilang sudah semua keluarga yang ada. Itu anggota yang Mama hilang. Jadi Mama pun layak dapat layanan istimewa.Tapi hidup memang susah. Paling inda patutlah ko kasi kesian diri sendiri. Ko inda survive. Ko teda kaki sebelah tapi ko masih juga perlu lari cepat bila ada ular atau biawak kejar ko, kalu inda ko mimang dalam perut dorang. Ko ingat dorang mo berhenti kejar, bagi peluang 100meter baru dorang kejar sebab teda sbalah kaki ko? TEDA. Jangan ko marah Mama kalu Mama layan ko macam ne. Kasi bukti Mama yang ko bukan lemah. Yang ko ne anak Mami."
Maybe those words are the words that encourage that little chick to survive, to keep on running in its life, to keep on walking even if it's hurt, to keep finding food to survive and never stop to let itself die.

PAIN. Pain is the prove that we are alive. I feel the pain of living my life everyday, but at least it indicates I am alive! I feel pain when I fall, when I'm sad, when someone leave me, when someone hurt me, when I saw things I don't like, when I can't have the things I wanted, I feel pain for the unpleasant things macam goodbyes. Banyakla. But, at least I'm alive. I won't feel pain if I'm nothing but a dead person. So pain, thank you. To live but not only with happiness but with the pain itself. For pain teaches more than happiness do. Don't blame God if you in pain. Indeed praise Him for letting you in a pain condition, so you'll be in someone's shoe, so you know how to handle a hard time, so you'll have different life's perspective.

Bila fikir balik, kita ni pun macam tu anak ayam bah. Taruk lagi bah kali. BUTA. yala. butul bah. Tell me, ko nampak amacam yang urang2 di Afrika menderita hidup? Ko nampak amacam durang makan? Ko ada nampak mana-mana binatang yang limpas-limpas depan ko, yang ada anggota badan da hilang and minta makan? Ada mata tapi tidak nampak. YALAH. saya tau. kalau sa nampak pun bukan dapat ubah banyak. A little miracle will do, tapi amacam lagi, I couldn't afford any. What can I do? What can you do? Do you suffer more than the person with a sad face sit next to you one morning when you realize you've just miss the last bus? Do you think you suffer more than the little amputate chicken because it's nothing but a chicken and you a human being whom needs money, someone to cling on and education to survive?
Hidup memang tidak adil! Tapi apa buli buat.

Retrospect

Curently listening to The Remedy by Jason Mraz. I don't know why but it keep bothering me lately. I don't know how but just by listening to the opening music it gives out something connected directly penetrate to my heart. The melodies of guitar's string.

The Remedy (The opening)

If he started with ‘d’ note then it should be ‘c’ next. If he used 'g' instead then 'f' will be next. g,f,g,f,g,f,e,f,.a.... but then it doesn't matter. It could start with c/d/e/g/a/b..(suka ati ko) I don't know. I remember laying my head on my desk at classroom and making the song played slowly in my head and making it stuck on the same part - the opening. I would imagine me holding a guitar. I would imagine someone accompany me with the lead while I play the rhythm - someone faceless. But then we played only the opening - my favourite part. What so great about it? You could tell me a hundred millions songs but I bet u pick a song by listening to the opening. 

'Don’t judge a book by its cover' they said. Pathetic. Human are like that. The popular only hang out with their class-what-so-ever and the rest live their life admiring them. You often give someone your 1st impression by their appearance. So do I. but mostly on music. I enjoyed humming a song with a good opening. Not because they are good but I know when time passed as quickly as time do, whenever I heard an opening, I would know what genre of emotion raged out of me. There a few great songs with good opening. - I miss you-blink 182, butterfly fly away-miley cyrus, bubbly-colbie cailat, right here waiting, now and forever-richard marx, im no superman-coldplay, can't take my eyes off you-muse, she will be loved-maroon 5,perfect-simple plan, more than words, the man who can't be moved, relaku pujuk-spider etc etc. . You name it!

My life changed during those periods (2007-2008). Most of my emotion started during that time. Plenty of memories, phrases and emotions occur. friendster, yahoo messenger chat, flash video, o2jam, 'it been a while', ' merry x-mas', guitar, texts, uevoli, prank, cloudy day, music, 2 times missed, wrong person, misunderstood, studied, curiosity, regret, happy, melancholic days, gay days, quotes, idioms, pink roses, a letter for every missed day, too-late, camping, rainy day.. When did I grow up?

 

I remembered rainy night with Bubbly(Colbie Cailat) played. I know exactly which memory I am holding on. But the The Remedy, it's empty - like black-out. None came out. Yet it so dear to me. It’s empty but I know it should be something. Maybe because I closed my eyes so I see nothing. If only the world would stop for a minute - or even 10seconds, I'll take a chance- for me to look back what happened then, so I would open my eyes widely. I will capture it carefully, checked every details so when I gain consciousness I know what memories to hold for The Remedy. I treasure it so much..

In any time, I’m turning 20 (11 days to go). I bet this whole thing happen because of it. yeeeaaaaahh. The time won’t stop and moving forward even faster. Then, let it pass. Let me forget like they do. Help me to remember help me to forget. Because no matter how much I hold back, it passed.

In this stage of life, it then comes to me - the talk that they always tell me "treasure your youth for someday it will come to an end". Back then it just some matter of jokes, jokes that I understand completely and will do so. I did spent it wisely, too much indeed and guess what, you'll never satisfy with what you got! Still, there's something missing. If you decide to do 'b', you'll missed 'a'. If there is a combination of both, you'll missed some a's or b's. - just like set. You just can’t do both. tapi yala. syukur laba kn. daripada dpt c. masa form 3 bukan main lagi saya wish I grow up as soon as possible. tapi skarang I wish it will pass as slowly as possible. terima ja la kenyataan. it wont come back. Nothing I could do. Life itself is scarcely long enough to enable us to find out what it is all about.

Our lives are our struggle for existence. This is my struggle of existence. Beat it or weep it. Life, it's a matter of preference. Do it you way, or don't do it.

“If a thing only exists in order to be graceful, do it gracefully or do not do it..”

All men by nature desire to know. To know why they are here, what life is, where they are going etc etc. Living my life everyday not knowing my purpose of life terrified me, often horrified for I am unequal to its challenges. Again, life is depending on one’s particular vision on how he sees it. It’s a matter of preference. If we seek to find the answers with education, education it is. If we choose to live alone in the jungle, choose to be a misanthropic, do it. And again, it’s a matter of preference. Do it or don’t do it. Beat it or weep it.

“What most people, young or old, want is not merely security or comfort of luxury – although they will be glad to have it. It is the meaning in their lives that is matter”.  If only I have an answer, then I won’t become Lost. I won’t remain lost. I am not lost when I die.

~I want to write more but, it’s 3:50 in the morning. Sleepy. ~~ later!

HAHA

Falling in love is a pleasant thing. Everyone loves the pleasant thing. Pleasant things are things that we like, we desire, we seek to obtain, we attempt to maintain and prolong. People make poets out of it, songs and even express it with touching words, expression and more. Love is something universal. There's no way a love can be define. First you fall in love because she is beautiful. At one point when you deeply in love with her, you still love her when she doesn't look beautiful - in the sense of world regards beauty. Of course, you love her so she always looks beautiful.

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful; the woman looks beautiful because you loved her."

It finally makes sense.

Well, I've been asked lately - lots. Why still single? Mati tu soalan. mimang isu sensitif saya tau. mimang kalu bukan unfren mimang block. Yalah. I stand on reality. No beauty, no qualification (can't cook).yaa.. There are more.

It’s actually depending on how you see it. For me, it's something painful. REALLY. I see people falling in love. Deeply. But then it doesn't make sense to me. It's something blithering idiot. Hey, no offense. It's my point of view.

I saw them exchange gifts "I love you", "I Miss You" and texts, good-night-call and so on. Ya bah. sa pun pernah bersinta bah dulu. sa paam. But then when it came to reality my Mom and some always told me "Mula-mula ja tu hangat. Nanti2 tu teda ah. Skarang ja ko gumbira, nanti bila sudah ada anak, ko rasalah."

So everytime I fantasied a love story (I'm a girl, so it's normal!), I end up quiting it with that quotes. well, it's not a bad things. It do me good - a lot. I am no longer day dreaming. HAHA. *embrassing..

Those words, it robs away my ‘they-live-happily-ever-after’ point/perspective/belief. Maybe, it's true. So I stand on reality. It makes me think 'what happen for with the sweet memories? They just fade away because time passed?' Then, falling in love isn't a pleasant thing at all. It's like eating mango when you got gastric. at first, you really want to have a taste of it. Sampai berliur-liur lagi ko siakan butul tu mangga. You eat it with salts, monosodium glutamate, sugar, chillies and some prefer with soy sauce and even lime (limau ah). Makan,makan sedap ja. Siuk butul rasa. After a while, inda ko. SAKIT GASTRIK. ada yg terlampau sudah gastrik da sampai masuk hospital. ada yang sakit ringan ja. Sampai ko cakap "Sa inda lagi mo makan mangga sampai bila2!"

I saw, read some REALLY romantic love stories. Some do sacrifice, some with I-never-thought-this-happened-to-me. I do envy, but when I think it really, really careful, I can't give my heart to be broken. It's not made to be broken. It's only whether to love or be loved. I know it's something sweet to fall in love. I know I could give my heart to him but I'm a freak.

Why do I avoid when my friends talked about their love life, is because I can't stand them being hurt by it. I somehow make a great distance with some friends just because of it. I never told them that because it's cruel. Cruel to tell them to stop loving him/her when I know how hard it is to do so. I spent three years and counting, wondering when will it finally stop for good. For that, I'm sorry. If you reading this, you'll understand why I do so to you. Not that I hate you or what, but because I care, I love and it hurt me do badly seeing you broke you heart because of him/her. You don't even have any idea how much it hurt me. I spend weeks thinking of you. I want to kick your ass for doing so to me. Hey, live your life. There are more guys/girls waiting for you (which better and perhaps the one for you) out there.

Somehow, this thought eats me. I dislike attend wedding. The words "what would happen 2,3,4, or 5 years in the future? Will they still be married? or at least to each other?" Ya, it's cruel. I should be wishing them 'Live Happyly Ever After", but I just can't denied it bother me. For this 20years, I've seen and heard people got married. Some survive until this day, some doesn't. More and more couple broke up and remarried. What just happen with their former wedding? With the memories they shared? The sacrificed they made just to be together? It just passed? Just like that? That our heart tends to love someone and when you do fight, you just forgot your memories and love someone else? They told me child is a fruits of love. But some clamed ''if I'm not carrying your baby, I shouldn't suffer this much.'' Then why do it? I don't know. I shouldn't have judge. It just, it doesn't make sense to me. REALLY.

I've seen my parent living their life as a couple. And it's not easy. I saw my dad cried, drunk and all I could do is leave him alone. Not I could, I wanted to. He talked to me about it. Maybe he hopes I would say something. How do you think you can face your loved one in such situation? I seldom see my dad cry. So, I just leave. I hold my breath and tears. I shed nothing that night. There are other time when I saw my Mom cried and say 'why did I married him?'. She said he is cruel bla...bla...bla.. If you are in my shoe which side you wanted to believe? Me, Neither.

Not that I blame my dad, but I wish he would treat us better. I shouldn't have complaint. I am no one today if not because of him. But yes, I am complaining because I'm in the middle of hard time and he is no way to be found. He loves his drink than me. WHY? Didn't I just make you proud? I do this because of you. I exclude my own priority just to give you this, as a gift, a 'thank-you-for-the-care.' I know we never had a warm father- daughter. What did I do wrong? I've been thinking of just live my life as simple as possible, no University (I have my own plan). But then when I'd heard the conversation (family) about how it will affect you, since that day, I'd promised myself I'll do my best. This is me, trying my best for you. WHERE ARE YOU? I know. I heard how your father treated you and your siblings.

Remember when I was only 3 or 4 years old, you brought me to,. Oh, I forgot. Then you told me, you won’t be long. You leave me behind – beside the drunken men and strangers. Is it too confidential so you can’t bring me along? Then one of them looked at me and grinned. I was too horrified and I started to cry. Then he came next to me and tried to hold me but I cry even louder. So, one of the lady told him not to bother me and he didn’t. He even said “ko kana tinggal dady ko ka 2?” I cry and cry and cry. At the time you are finally there I am no longer crying. Time majlis anugerah pelajar cemerlang di skola masa sa tahun1-2 pun ko tidak datang. I only get second place but I wanted you to give me yourself the gift you bought for me at that day even it was just a ‘Along’ magazine. I get first place when I was in year 3 and yet you still didn’t come. Those who don’t get any place still brought their parent along to see their performance.

I believe I have hurt you too. Do you know how it feels like when I think no one in the world care for me, that others will just ignore my existence? I have lived for almost 20years and I am no longer that girl. That I have become a person? Some know me and some saw me growing up other than you? That I changed my perspective of ‘family’ because they taught me the meaning of it? The past had come to an end and I am living in the future. I am no longer a child. Don’t…

I don’t ask you to be there whenever I need you. All I need is to know that you are willing to do something for me. At least tell me, ‘give me a phone call when you needed help’.

Ya bah. I shouldn't blame anyone for this. We are living in a world full of sins. So, these things happen. Dalam 1 pokok durian, tidak juga bah semua buah da buruk. ada yang buruk sedang2, ada yang sedap sedang2. ada yang buruk teruk, ada yang sedap gila. The question is what would be the kind of durian I am going to get? So, I decide not to eat durian. This may be stupid. maybe I was wrong. maybe I'll get yang paling sedap. skali yang paling buruk kenen. Che. But, no regret. I've made up my mind. Len kali berbuah juga tu pokok durian. Maybe, next time, I got my gut.

Well, this is my current point of view about 'falling in love'. But maybe someday it will change. People tend to do that kn. Maybe, so do I. MAYBE.

Yet, like I said, my heart are made to love. There are lots of things I need to pour my love onto. Like my new life, my friends, my family, my pets, my books, music, etc etc and the most I wanted to give my heart is to God. At least, those are pleasant things to do. 

Simply me, simply Joanna Maxine

I'm having hard time to define who am I. Well, this is a little bit info about me. I leave the rest for you to think about it.


It's kinda awkward for me when someone gives much attention to me. I'm not born with given much attention. I'm the one who would be chosen when they have no other choice. I'm the one who have lest friend because I'm not good with making new friend. I'm the one who experienced much things by reading rather than experienced itself because I'm a loner. I'm the one who don't have specific characteristic because I do copy-paste because I learned some character attract others attention (but then I stopped because it do me no good. I like being me the way I am). I'm the one who sometimes choose to be alone and watch the world turns around without noticing my existence. I'm the one who afraid of simple a simple matter and somehow it became a nightmare and have no one to share it except for her book. I'm the one who born in a simple life where others just walk in and out just as merely as entering a grocery shop where there are a lot of stuff but none interest you. I'm the one who will get the wrong idea while other talks and look at me, when I heard someone whispering something I don't understand, when someone look at me like dirts are all over my face, when someone just ignore me when they used to talk to me when I met them. So, it's really are awkward when I get a hug from a friend, gifts on my birthday, someone remember my birthday because I'm the one should do that stuff, someone tell me I mean something in their life, someone thank me for being a good friend, someone tell me he likes me - I hardly believe it because it's something unusual, someone told me I'm beautiful because I tend to get bad result when it came about my appearance, someone told me I'm important. Yeahh, it's awkward. really do.

well this is life. We might see a same picture but with a different point of view. I might see a rose as something I wish to had in my garden and you might see a rose as a thorny flower and it's nonesense to have it in your garden. I maybe dislike staring at the blue sky because I'm sensitive to too-much-light and will run tears if I stay staring at it more than 5secs eventhough I deeply in love with the blue sky and you maybe not interested looking at the blue sky because it's none of your interest. You may look at a wonderful scenery and think you feel calm and peace and you like it. I look at a scenery and I take attention into every detail of it that interest me and I thanks God everytimes I've see a stunning view for He gave me eyes to see and mind  to think how much powerful a God is. The world is too big for others to realize a small chance and yet God sees it. If, all the geniuses are combined to be a person, if he ever have a piece of God's mind?
No one can be in someone shoe. We might wear the same shoe but with different sizes, maybe I had a scratch and it's uncomfortable maybe your wear it with a sock when I don't have any to wear. we might walk on the same pathway but with different circumstances. You with your world and me with my world.

'Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul'. Yeahh. so true.

I...

Seeing other been-there-done-that surely give me a huge need to add that in my list! It's' normal to envy other having the life you wish to had. - wish to had! maybe it's kinda too late for me to experience such experience. Well, life must goes on. I do have another vision that I need to fulfil.

Recently, I've been thinking about the times I've wasted - no, not wasted, I prefer unwise usage. I did do something but not the one which is necessary. To think of it, it makes me realize I'm not the girl who used to think life is easy and do daydream, speak than action; the the girl who used to think life is unfair when Mom gives more attention to the others siblings; the girl who used to wish meeting with Prince Charming; the girl  who wish to quit when almost everything betrayed her.

I can't and don't want to be that girl anymore. Mummy I Love You!
We maybe didn't have the chance t have a warm mother-daughter relationship. but I don't blame you or me. maybe, this is how we show each other how much we care. Mum, I care about you.
I'm sorry for being unwise, ignorant, naughty and stubborn child. I'm sorry that I'm incapable to give you A in my examination. I did try, maybe not harder. I do wish to eliminate others assumption about our family. We are not a failure. We can't be. I maybe not a clever girl but I do have determination, a determination which drives me to achieve my goal. My goal for you. Mummy one day. I promise you, one day.

I don't know, I really don't know whether I can accomplish my goal or no but I know for sure, I don't do daydream without action - not anymore. I'm not that girl anymore Mom. Keep this as a promise. I don't mind you give much attention to them and give less and maybe the least for me, I understand. I won't mind. You've been through a hard life and don't mind me. I'll be fine. I know you care - and I do too, a lot. Heard, read this and that you've been through in you recent days give me heartache - heartache which show how much I feel sorry for not knowing it earlier, for not knowing what obstacles (hard one) you've been through in your life, for I should know more, for I feel I don't know you much, for thinking you are brave, unique Mom.
To think of you having even harder (maybe hardest that your current hardest day to provide us LIFE) days for me makes me think I'm a bloodsucker. I don't want to be a bloodsucker. I'm afraid of bloodsuckers.

You maybe don't have any idea of how much I love you Mom. To tell you the truth, you are the reason why I choose to leaves my childhood day and moves on. You are the reason for my goal in life. You are the reason why I choose to let myself get the least attention. You are the reason for me to think it's okay when I feel I'm all alone in this world.
I may not be able to spell L.O.V.E for you or even tell you face to face - for it's a little bit awkward for us because I'm not grown up to do such thing. But I have my own way of saying I LOVE YOU MOM and these text are a sample of it. I do envy other who have a warm relationship with their mother but I won't switch you with any mother that ever lived. Never!

Maybe I'm at the lowest point in life when others see me. But I'm standing up. I'll reach high, as high as possible. For you MOM. For you.

Thank you God for giving me such mother. ^^

Watde. .

"Jika boleh memilih...
 aku lebih memilih untuk tidak pernah mengenal kamu daripada
harus melupakan kamu."

watde. .hei, why want to forget? I mean, it's a part of you, why want to forget? If it gives you bad times just accept it do hurts you (so badly) and go on with your life and take that as a lesson - for precaution or-what-so-ever in the future! if it gives you good and bad memories as well, it's the bad one you should deduct from your memory. anything happened to you happen for a reason. unless it harm you then forget.


F.O.R.G.E.T adalah perkataan sensitif untuk sa. kalu boleh sa inda mau lupa semua kenangan sa ma orang2 d sekeliling sa.apa lagi yang kin gembira. yang sedih pun sa ingat juga.yang bikin malu pun. suda jadi, apa boleh buat? 
so please stop forgetting. If you asked my friends they'll tell you I remember much things, memories. It is because I don't forget. I won't forget. Again, it's a part of me, why forget? Here's a song from Demi Lovato - I love her voice and her songs. so damn siuk. .so, lagu sa yg dimainkan pada saat ini ialah - with lyric

Don't Forget Lyrics

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget


We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

tp masih juga ada Boyce Avenue la. .yg It Will Rain yang paling manang!^^

~Maxine

                                             

Simple

at last , my simple blog template. 
La la la la ♪┏(・o･)┛♪┗ ( ･o･) ┓♪┏ ( 'o' ) ┛♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓♪┏(･o･)┛♪




gembirannya hati^^ simple tapi sa suka.bilang c eng2 susah mau paam template sa dulu.== nasip suda tukar. .kn??gumbira!

~Maxine

                                                                                                                     

Epic Fail ..== *sigh

It's almost 3am yet I still here in my blog's page. Do you know why? Because I spent 4hours just to change my blog's template and still, did you notice it? Yeaaahhhh.. None suit me. I found lots of beautiful templates but none are good enough as this one. None suit my last posts. 


So, after 4 hours struggling so HARD, I decided not to choose any and stick with my current skin. I'm soooo pissssseeeeeeddddd.


  I'll scream out loud if it isn't 3 in the morning.  Macam mo malatup ne sa rasa. .


So, who ever read my post, do recommend me a good site for nice templates which you think suit my blog. .




 quoted Hagemaru : Apa yang kita cari, tak semestinya apa yang kita mahu.


well, he's right about that. Maybe I shouldn't had a thought of changing my template. maybe what I've done just now is simply comparing my template with others - and my current template win! 
 pa2la .kin malas sija. .
Tidur laini. . 




                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                             ~Maxine

I Choose. .

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

If you’re in form5 before 2011, this poem sounds familiar, right? This poem strikes me when I realize what it means.

Life is about choosing paths. You’ll regret taking this path but you can’t undo it. Maybe, and just maybe, you’ll find another way to be on the unchosen which you regret too much. I wonder if you keep on walking on the path that you chose if you find it interesting. Would you still go all out for the other path? If you’ve been walking and hoping to find another way to be on the other path for two years and still no sign of good news would you still have the faith as the first time you wanted so badly to be on the other path? If your heart says “believe me, you’ll find a way” but the road says “what are you? Can’t you see you are making fun of yourself?” Which do you prefer?

There are many different types of person. If they do go-with-the-flow, I-go-where-my-pathway-lead, they’ll move on and come to an end – the path’s destination. Maybe and only maybe, someday, they’ll think “luckily, I chose not to fool myself and go on with this path. I’m destined for this path”, or maybe “If and only if I listen what my heart told me, I’ll be the one whom I wanted to be back then”, or maybe “I’ve enjoyed my whole life in this path. It’s fun, adventurous and happy-ending. What happen if I chose the other path?” or maybe something else.

If they are the one with hard-to-lose person a.k.a stubborn, and then finally find a way to be on the other path there will be two outcomes: “yeah, at last! It was a right decision to not lose hope” or maybe “I was wrong. This path isn’t and never was mine. Why don’t I stand on reality?” but still, it will come to an end. Like the other path, one day they’ll think “all of my hard work, my time, my sweat, my heartache and all the troubles I’d pass, wasn’t too much compared to what I achieved these days,.” Or maybe “if and only I could turn back the time, I’ll go for when I chose to take the this part and keep on walking without regretting losing a chance to be on this path.” Or maybe “If I keep on walking on the other what was it in the end? Will it give me more than what I’ve got now, or worst?”

But . .

What if the first type chances their mind when they realised and found a way to the other path? What if when the second type found a way to the other path yet chose to stay?

What if they choose to stay where they stand by not moving on and stay there?

Tell me. A single question raises more questions. You may choose a good or bad question but the choice is yours to make – not mine or anyone.

I had lots of questions in my mind and yet chose not ignored it – and what am I?

I’m brave enough to stop thinking of it and I’m too weak to handle any other question. What am I?

Quoted Mrs. Julia Giduk one evening : when you wake up in the morning, you have two choice whether to get up from bed or pretend it is still early and sleep more.

So true. Every choice we make, give lots more choices. It was like reading a book which you decide what story you want next? Have you ever try that kind of book? I always end up choosing a dead-end.Anyway, now I’ve reach to an end and the questions rose in my mind are “why do I choose to write this stuff. I end up putting myself in bad mood” and “what I will I do now if I choose not to write any just now?”

Well, question is just a question until you find an answer. I choose not to find any and get up from my lazy bed and watch tv. Soon!

Hey you reader, why did you choose to read this content at the first place instead of doing or read something beneficial?

I leave you with that question. With or without answer, it’s your choice.

 

~Maxine

 

Leftover

 

I like making an art from anything that crossed my mind. By not planing what to do and just follow your heart - no, not heart, more to your instinct or what-ever-it-called -, gives you something unexpected. 

 

I choose this pattern because at first, there's only sauce left. For  red suite with heart's shape, so heart it is. Then add some chicken's skin leftover (c ester tu.inda kc abis), which should be as a broken heart but I forgot.hahahahaha. memory ikan emas gitu lo.

Then come to the decoration, the straw I didn't do it on purpose.  Ester  bite the straw until it crumpled that way. She has seldom behaviour of biting things when she has nothing to do, but rare. Then I put it on the plate and tara . .

Well, that's how love works - at least that is how I see it. if you planned to fall in love with someone you'll be happy, but when you let love come to you, you'll be extremely happy. If you planed what will happen during your date, you'll get upset if it didn't work but if it does, you'll have a smile on your face all day long - maybe lasts for few days. But if you just put trust(whatever you think is important) in yourself, and let it go with the flow, it will amazed you - which can drive you crazy and unable to sleep. kali la.  

well, recently, or I should say, just now, I  was listening to cover songs and Boyce Avenue stole my heart. .^^ Siuk tahap dewa laba. If you notice, my songs are Boyce Avenue's. XD
Bah. .enough

~Maxine

Really?

I never knew u r such a cry baby. I don't do judging. It just I never 


knew that side of yours. We are not even a close friend but I 


crushed on you few years ago and it didn't even fit the picture. 


Who am I to complain? Hey, you got the wrong idea. I accept you 


the way you are. We're friend, aren't we? It just, knowing you as a 


fragile person changed my perspectives toward other just by a 


glance on their appearance. You seem strong in action but still you 


have a fragile heart. Don't worry, I still respect you like I always 


do. I'm proud of you. 


 The thing is, it stab me knowing that I know you little, 






which mean I don't have the right to  admit I'm your friend. Haiya. .







* tis silly matter do upset me. 
other wont understand it, but I treasure every relationship I've made. and you are one of the precious one. 

Own

I love looking at nice photograph. Here are a few of pictures I captured myself and edited it with texts - not just   

any words but nice quotations. 

M.A.R.C.H

It been a while since I wrote anything. Well, recently, I envy friends having such nice and romantic relationship. I’ll be lying if I say “I don’t hell care”. I envy not because I have no one but because I forgot how it to be madly in love is. All I remember are the pain, jealousy and hatred – only the hatred came right after breakup – never falls in love with you best friend If you wish to be his/her friend still. Well, I do want to makes ‘us’ as friend but he ignore me like I’m a kind of virus. He thinks I’ll get the wrong idea if he talks to me. What’s on his mind? I accept we are over – even though my feeling remain the same- but it doesn’t mean we can’t be friend. I just NEED to erase his hatred toward me. Why others can be friend after breakup, why can’t we?

FRUST!!

Anyway, I’m attracted to paranormal activities recently. Lemme share a little bit of what I read.

*REMINDER   - don’t keep reading if you can’t handle it. it might come after you or even be part of your dream .

English woman wakes up French

Suffering from the bizarre Foreign Accent Syndrome, a grandmother went to bed suffering from a migraine and woke up with a French accent.

A longtime sufferer of migraines, Kay Russell, 49, has always had severe reactions to the infliction with the effects being anything from the inability to move her limbs, to a slurring of her speech.

However since her last migraine, the result has been a constant and unchangeable foreign accent that is unrecognisable to both family and friends.

Doctors say she has Foreign Accent Syndrome, a condition which damages the part of the brain that controls speech and word formation.

(well,there's a case a girl suddenly speak fluently in Chinese and Korea and she had been detected possessed by demon(s). well, I'm not sure about this case.)

Fountain of youth pill

While it may sound like science fiction but researchers believe they have discovered the  ‘Holy Grail’ – an anti-ageing pill that will add decades to our lives.

Furthermore its creator Professor Vladimir Skulachev said it should be available to the public within two years

The Russian scientist from Moscow State University, said the drug works by halting the damaging effects that oxygen can have on the body’s cells.

This would stave off dangerous age-related illnesses thereby adding years to our lives.

The dream of eternal life has been woven into numerous myths over thousands of years. According to legend, the Holy Grail – a cup that was supposedly used by Jesus at the Last Supper – would give immortality to whoever drank from it.

(Problem solve for ageing? maybe)

The girl with magnetic hands

A Serbian schoolgirl has amazed medics with her astonishing magnetic hands.

Ten-year-old Jelena Momcilov has been picking up cutlery, coins and even metal furniture by just touching them at her family home in Zeljusa, since she first discovered her powers five years ago.

Now experts at nearby Nis University have urged scientists to investigate, reports CEN.

“I’d say this is a kind of unknown bio-magnetism. More experts would need to join me and research what this is all about,” said department head Pavle Premovic.

(A little bit weird but my favourite case)

THe LITTLE FAMILY

I was about 7 , Maybe , When i heard of this big deal. I was 7 , so i was always scared and easily tricked. One night i was lying in bed , very much asleep , and the sound of my mom and dad\'s door opening woke me up. My dad looked in my room , so i pretended to be asleep. He goes to my mama ,and tells her im asleep.As normal i was very curious to what they were talking about so the following morning i asked. My mom said she though she heard loud banging in the kitchen , so she asked my daddy to go tell me to go back to sleep. But i already was , so they left it alone. I was still about 7 almost 8 and my sister was about 12 , 13. We were by ourself\'s so we took a shower together. When i was rinsin off she said did i hear something. I didnt so i said no. But then i did. The sound of people running up the hallway. i was terrified. But i thought maybe it was our dog , Hidey , Well no , hes put up in his cadge. It kept repeating over and over. Wheneverwe got out it was over. Nothing.. So about a nother year or so we kept hearing and seeing many things. One day i was sitting on the couch and hidey my dog was in his cadge when suddenly Hidey comes running out. I was looking at him when it happend and u swear something or something lifted up the thing and slide it to where it could open. It must of been pretty stong since how this cage is made out of medel.I am horrifed.Orbs in every picture, Sounds , shadows , And more. I also , (This happend last month) Heard somebody say im here. My mama left to go to get her medicine in spartenburg and i was by myslef. It sounded like my mama. Clear as day too. I also heard jayla , linsey .It was my dads vocie. (Whitch was wiwth my mom). I have always been scared! 

(Merely, just an experinced but still gimme goosebump)

Ghost of a Girl Haunts Burning Building

Click to enlarge 1 photo

In this photograph taken on November 19, 1995, Wem Town Hall in Shropshire, England can is seen burning to the ground. What the photographer didn't expect to film was the image of a semi-transparent young girl, standing eerily in the doorway. Legend says that the girl is named Jane Churm, who died by accidentally setting fire to her own home in the same town in 1667. She's been spotted on several occasions at the sites of burning buildings, just like this one

(this surely gimme goosebump more)

~Well, it's look like the night is not young anymore and I no longer wish to continue this topic.well, at least I did somehow make you guess and wish to read more. right? 

p/s : don't go too far if it's late night. .

Night!